GOD WANTS US BACK

We are chosen. We belong to God. He waits, and He calls. We ignore Him, but He waits and He calls.

We run as far as we can from Him. We attempt to hide from a God who sees all. We attempt to shut out the Father who knew us before we were even born. But since we are chosen, since we belong to Him, He waits and He calls.

“You can be sure of this: The LORD set apart the godly for himself. The LORD will answer when I call to him.” (Psalm 4:3)

Have you had a wake-up call? What did it look like for you?

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IF WE ASK TO SEE, HE WILL SHOW US THE PROBLEM

There’s always that one day when you think, Ok, this is bad.

So I had that day a number of times in those four years, but one day the struggle was at its worse and I realized there was no where left to turn. On that same day this huge box arrived at my door. It was a gift from my mom that had been on back-order for weeks–it was a large, standing mirror.

I took out the mirror and just looked at myself. How ironic. No, how scary.

There I was… me and my self-deception.

It was the most obvious wake-up call of my life. For a moment I hated the mirror, but then I realized it was time to face it: God is God, and I needed to hand over the reigns.

I prayed from deep in my heart for God to take over my life. In every way I can hear or see I recognized a voice that said, “I want purity for your life.” It made perfect sense in that moment, even though on a human level it made no sense.

I felt all the regret and pain funnel into some different feeling. It felt like holding a hand. And not knowing where it would lead, I fumbled and followed along in a rather awkward way.

Squeaking by, feeling pushed and pulled inside, cringing at rough landings and more mistakes… sometimes it felt like I wouldn’t survive the turbulence.

If the story up until now had been a record, this is the part where the record scratches and you hear that fuzzy sound. God had a new record for me, and it was far better than any record I could have chosen for myself. Here is part two of my testimony.

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How Do You Give Your Life to God? My Call to Wake Up SEPTEMBER 20, 2010 BY JEN

What’s it like to give your life to God?

How do I know if I’m doing it right?

Is it even possible to do?

These are some of the questions that floated through my mind in the past two years.

Last week I stood up and gave my life to Christ. And while I’d love to jump right into that story, there’s a backstory.

It didn’t happen overnight, and yet it happened night after night. I didn’t wake up one day and know exactly what to do, but I did get a call to wake up and trust that God knows what to do.

This is my personal testimony.

OLD LIFE: I, ME, MINE

It says in Luke 17:33, “If you cling to your life, you will lose it, and if you let your life go, you will save it.”

I used to live this kind of life where God existed, Jesus set an excellent example, and the Holy Spirit looked like a dove. And I prayed when I needed help.

In complete denial, I lived a sinful life but didn’t see myself as a sinful person. I wasn’t out to hurt anyone, yet people got hurt.

It helped to go to church, but I didn’t always feel like going. When I did go, singing hymns felt uninspiring, so I’d stand there and wait for that part to end.

During prayer I’d ask God how to help me find the missing pieces, fill the empty void, handle the anxiety. I’m not sure I believed He could or would really do it.

I needed God but had no idea just how much I needed God.

In the meantime I lived in and for the world, believing lies, rationalizing greed and compromising values. I didn’t see the crooked path I walked along; I just saw what I wanted to see.

The safest road to hell is the gradual one– the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts.”
— C.S. Lewis

Four years passed. I wanted truth but sought comfort. There was a call for truth and purity in my life, but I didn’t know how to get there. The confusing twist kept me locked and bound, living by my own rules. I asked God to show me what I needed to see.

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2. Make Yourself Completely Accountable To Your Husband.

My second advice for women who were unfaithful, may be hard at times but it goes along with the process of recovery from your affair.

  • Be accountable of your time away from your husband.  We’re not used to giving an account of where we are and what we’re doing.  Or, show proof we really were where we said we were going to be.  It was hard for me at first too.  But then I realized- I was the one that created this mess for us– not him.  So, I had to own up to the consequences if I wanted to get my marriage back and have my husband trust me again.
  • I didn’t even go out shopping alone very much at that time, and when I did, I had my cell phone on and always answered when he called. Not answering his calls was also a trigger for my husband, so I was diligent with that. Just remember, this season won’t last forever.  But the more consistent you are in this, the quicker he’ll heal.
  • Give him all your passwords and emails. Let him have complete access to all your social media accounts, your emails and your phone.
  • Understand how he feels when you’re not with him.  Leaving the house will be a huge trigger for your husband and he’s going to be worried. You would be too if the roles were reversed.  What helps even more is when you take a proactive approach and show him everything before he even asks. This is all very important if you want to heal your husband’s heart after your affair.

I’ll be honest, there will be times you’ll get sick of being accountable. Frustration and despair will likely come in when it seems everything you do is shrouded in a cloud of suspicion. Those were hard days for us. But the hard days became less and less, and eventually he trusted me again. It can happen for you too.

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The Top 5 Ways To Help Your Husband Heal After Your Infidelity:

1. Be Sure All Ties To The Other Man Are Broken.

This may be obvious, but it is also likely going to be the hardest to follow through with in the beginning.

  • Push past the withdrawal.  There is something called withdrawal that occurs, much like when an addict goes without their drug of choice.  It’s uncomfortable and hard at first.  But keep your eye on the prize-your husband’s healing and your marriage’s survival is at stake. Don’t make the mistake I did and let this one drag on…you just might go back to your affair partner too many times and risk losing your husband for good.
  • Cut off any means of communication with affair partner.   Don’t leave any openings that he could communicate with you or that you could contact him in a weak moment (that means blocking him on all social media and his number on your phone). I realize this is a hard step to make, but it’s critical. Keep reminding yourself, every contact you make with your affair partner, is a step backwards. If you REALLY want to save your marriage and you’re tired of feeling so confused and torn up inside, you’ve got to end all contact.

If you’re struggling with this, I encourage you to read would your affair partner make a good spouse?

Here’s a visual for you when you’re feeling tempted advice-for-women-having-an-affairto contact your affair partner, I used to think of it like playing the game of Sorry.

You move up the board and things are going good, then you roll the dice and it has you go back to the beginning of the game to start all over. Having contact with your affair partner, however minor you think it is, is like going back to the beginning of healing for your marriage and for yourself.

Even if your husband does not find out you had contact, YOU will know. And your heart cannot heal from the effects of the affair until all contact is broken off.

If you’re still struggling with this, you can read more about breaking off an affair here.

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How A Christian Woman, Married 12 Years With Kids, Fell Into The Adultery Trap, And How God Healed Her Marriage. Guest Post– Infidelity Recovery Success Stories

Here is Jamie’s story:

“I became a part of the AMA Facebook group in April 2019 when there were less than 100 members. At that time, I was in the midst of a NC period with AP, on the verge of yet another relapse and so horribly broken. Debbie Rose’s website [Aftermyaffair.com] was the first I stumbled upon in gaining some clarity and insight.

The women in the AMA Facebook group encouraged me and gave me hope.
I remember thinking I can’t wait until I am on the other side of this and can do the same for others. So here I am…

My AP was a co-worker, 9 years younger than me and I wasn’t at all attracted to him in the beginning. When I went back to work in June, 2015 after my second son was born, I was in a horrible state of postpartum depression but I didn’t realize that then. I had never been depressed before.

AP was pursuing his master’s degree in counseling and given that summertime was a slow time at work, we had a lot of time to talk. He was just a friend and a colleague then but when I look back, I remember that summer beginning to see him in a different light, more attractive. I was bummed on days he was out for some reason. It still felt innocent, but something in me was changing.

Husband and I had been married 12 years at that time, we were involved in our church, I was/am a Christian and there is nothing bad to say about H. He was a great father and husband, he still is. I wish I had known then what I know now about true love and marriage. I do know now that God can take the worst thing and make it the best thing.

In September, 2015 I came out of my depression and I spent a lot of time with co-workers including AP. We were a tight group. About that time, AP’s girlfriend broke up with him. He was vulnerable and I could tell he was already attracted to me.

The emotional and physical A started in March, 2016. I started it. I kissed him.
Looking back, I was totally caught up in infatuation/limerence. I knew it was wrong but it didn’t matter, it felt so good and it was so fun. I told myself, I’ve always been a good girl, this is a phase, no one will ever know and I’ll come out of it. We texted all the time and ran errands for work together and were just high on each other.

In June, 2016 he decided to pursue an available girl and I was out of my mind jealous and sick over it. It didn’t work out, we started the A up again in August, 2016. We both knew it was wrong and struggled with guilt so he again tried pursuing another single girl in September, 2016. Again, I was jealous and sick. He broke that off in November, 2016…Thus began my living 2 lives. AP and I were in a relationship all of 2017. I lied all the time to H and family. We saw each other whenever we could. I signed up for lots of out of town work training and he went with me.

My life at home was not bad but this felt exhilarating. It was an escape, a high.
I was still Christian. I knew I couldn’t lie to or hide from God but I did shy away from him and told myself he’d always forgive me. H and I had a good relationship although clearly distant and he never suspected that I’d be unfaithful.

In February, 2018 AP and I decided we couldn’t live without each other and the only choice I could see was to tell H the truth and leave to be with AP. I told H that February and his whole reality crumbled in an instant. He begged me to give it 6 months, to do counseling, to “try”. I agreed because what kind of horrible person doesn’t try? My heart was not in it. We went to counseling and I even tried NC but it was short lived.

In May, 2018 I moved out, telling H I was no longer in A but I needed space and time for me. I was taking another step closer to “freedom” and what I so desperately wanted. I convinced myself that AP was my soulmate and God has someone better for H because H deserved so much better after what I’d done.

I also began to feel between a rock and a hard place. My family and friends were upset with me. Everyone thought I’d gone crazy. AP was a good guy (who obviously made bad choices) who was single with no kids. However, he had nothing to offer me that I didn’t already have and everyone loved H. It was totally limerence/affair fog. I know it was.  But I believed it would last forever.

After I moved out, I’d go home weekly to see my boys. I remember my youngest, 3 the time, waking up with me sitting next to him on the couch and he looked at me with distrust and said “Mommy, you came back.” I was choosing AP over my boys and they didn’t even trust me anymore and it hurt. It was so deserved – but it hurt.

I had/have the most amazing mother in law in the world. The epitome of Christ-like love. She was running my home while I was getting ready to break up my family One day she said, “Jamie, what do you know in your heart without a doubt to be true?” I said God’s word, the Bible. She said don’t look at it as choosing between H and AP, just look to God’s word, where does it lead you? At that moment, I knew I had to break it off and come home not because my heart wanted to, but because I knew it was the right thing.

I had no idea how strong the relapse struggle would be. I broke it off and chose my marriage in May, 2018. AP was devastated but he wasn’t mad and he didn’t try to guilt me into staying. I think he knew it was the right thing too as much as it hurt. The depression I felt then I now know was withdrawal. It was worse than postpartum. I was a shell of myself. I felt so empty. I lost so much weight, my heart felt shattered. I just wanted AP. He reached out a couple weeks later, which felt like an eternity, to give me some of the stuff I’d left at his place. We relapsed.

This time the A was different, worse, because we now knew the fairy-tale future we’d planned together didn’t exist. We knew we could never be together in real life but we couldn’t let go either. I call 2018 the year of purgatory, it was the worst I’ve ever experienced. Our A wasn’t fun and exciting anymore. I was in a place where I wanted something so badly I knew I could never have and I was tormented. There were a couple days I couldn’t even get out of bed. We carried on until December, 2018 and I broke it off.

He knew what a mess I was and I knew I really had to work on my marriage and try to get out of this cycle. I lasted until spring 2019, and reached out on his birthday. We stayed in contact until a month later 2019- then he broke it off saying it hurt too much to live like this anymore. It was a hard two months until April, 2019 when he caved and reached out on my birthday.

This is when I found AMA and Debbie told me don’t respond to him, you will lose the 2 months of progress you’ve made. I didn’t listen. I couldn’t resist. I no longer felt in purgatory through 2019 but I was stuck in darkness, depending on AP,
afraid to let go and therefore not healing or moving forward in my marriage, my life.

Finally in December, 2020. He met someone. Someone who attracted him and gave him hope of a future. I know it was God’s divine intervention. God knew that’s what it’d take to break us apart because clearly my H and my faith hadn’t been enough. AP broke it off for the final time to pursue a healthy relationship.
I don’t know how long I would’ve stayed stuck in that cycle if he hadn’t.

2020 was my year of healing and progress. I accessed resources from Affair Recovery, I took their Hope for Healing class, I watched tons of videos from Dr. Joe Beam on Limerence and infidelity through Marriage Helper.

I was finally present in my home, my marriage, my family. My relationship with Jesus was and is more real than ever. Honestly, I was grieving the loss of AP but not like before. As much as I initially hated thinking of AP with someone else, it was absolutely what needed to happen to draw me out of that dark, deceived place and into the light I am currently in.

I have personally experienced God’s rescue, grace and mercy in my life. 2020 was my first full year of NC and healing. I’m now in year 2. I haven’t arrived by a long shot but I am healthier than I’ve been in 6 years.

I have a whole new respect and appreciation for my H. He has stayed faithful and committed. Loving at me at my worst through my withdrawal and depression.
We have both been in individual and couples counseling which helps immensely but it took a few fails to find the right therapist. He and I are currently in a better place than ever before. I won’t lie, he still struggles with triggers and memories but we communicate and work through them. I still struggle with triggers and memories but I logically know now that it’s not AP I miss. It was the excitement, the escape, the high. It truly was a dangerous addiction and NC is absolutely necessary to get out of it. I know I’m a stronger, more compassionate woman because of the experience.

I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through and it was not linear… so much up and down. I failed over and over but God was always with me. He never left, I chose to walk away from him. He chased me down and saved me from the destruction I was choosing at the time. God loves me enough that he saved me from a whole lot worse kind of guilt, shame and regret. Not because I deserve it but because of his grace. I never ever have to doubt or question that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. This is the life God called me to. I belong in my marriage, in my family, in my home.

There is never a reality where God will call you to violate his most sacred covenant, marriage, and start a life with someone else. That could never be in anyone’s best interest including yours. On days (which are becoming less) that I struggle with triggers I am comforted by this truth. I used to believe that love is a feeling. I now know love is a choice, a commitment and an action. My love for AP was jealous and self-seeking. True love is never self-seeking and it is always kind. Following God is so simple but it is not easy because the world is broken and we are broken and the temptation of our flesh is strong. Always remember that God is stronger and our true victory and freedom can only be found in him.”

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These Infidelity Recovery Stories are from real women who’ve had an affair, and their testimonies of how they found healing.

I hope this new Infidelity Recovery series will help you find the hope & strength to flee your affair and pursue a life of honor and integrity.

PLEASE NOTE: The stories listed below are written by the women (and sometimes husbands) who were involved and only posted here with their permission. Their testimonies cannot be reprinted, redistributed or reproduced
without permission first from Debbie at http://www.AfterMyAffair.com

Although the stories are true, some specific identifying information
may have been changed to maintain their privacy.
The views and beliefs expressed in these testimonies reflect the unique experiences and opinions
of each person relating their own story.

I pray that those of you who have never been in this terrible trap will not judge these women, but will first, take a step back to try to understand the deception they were under and recognize that we are all vulnerable to it, so please lay down your stones of judgment and read with an open heart. There are no excuses or justifications for an affair, and you won’t find any here. But our hope is that we all recognize the dangers of adultery, and refuse to take its bait.

If you are a woman who had an affair, I hope you will recognize the urgent need to end it now and never go back into it. The devastation that infidelity brings will continue on the longer you remain in it. These women, and myself, were able to get free of ours, and you can too! True peace and restoration will only come from Jesus Christ and my prayer is that you will find His love as you repent from your affair and turn to Him completely.

*More stories will be added monthly. If you’d like to make a difference in others lives by sharing your story (anonymously of course); please reach out to Debbie – debbie@aftermyaffair.com with “I’d like to share my story” in the subject line. I would even consider testimonies from former betrayed husbands who want to help other men. I will get back to you as soon as possible with a list of criteria and questions.

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When I Needed Jesus Badly

Hi, My name is Trudy and I live with my family in Ontario, Canada. I will try to give you a mental picture of who I am, where I came from and where I am now, spiritually speaking.

My teenage years were very rough, I did hang around with the wrong crowd and I did not know how to get disentangled. My young life had been ruined; I had chosen the broad path.

What to do next, I did not know…Where to turn to…Would death be the answer??

I was living in Holland and in my early twenties when I was in a very desperate situation. I called upon God not really knowing on whom I was calling. I was not a Christian at that time, not even a churchgoer.
Shortly after, I met a young Christian family via an elder of a local church who did not know how he could help me. He thought perhaps if I could find somebody with whom I could have a social time, such as reading or knitting together, it would help me get over my problems. I told him that it would not do me any good, my problems were so obvious you just could not talk them away.

I needed more than a knitting friend, I needed God to help me, I needed a miracle. So, the elder suggested for me to contact this family, who lived just down the road, but he said not to pay too much attention to the man of the house…. He believed in miracles and so forth…. Ooh…Ah…. Ja… That did draw my interest! I thought maybe this miracle believing man has something to offer me? …I will call this man John.

I got all my courage together and paid these people a visit. The very first night John told me about his own life; what all happened to him during the war; that he had betrayed his own people; how God met him when he was working for the enemy, the NSB. He then told me how God had opened his eyes and showed him all his wrongdoing. He then realized he needed forgiveness and turned himself in at the Dutch Government.

John was just beaming while he was telling me about the treasure he had found in Jesus, the happiness and peace of mind, knowing that his sins were forgiven. I had never heard a testimony like this. I also knew that this man was not making up some sort of a story. This was for real and I could sense a deep truth in it. I was all ears and soaked every word in like a sponge. It all did sound like music, beautiful music, what my soul had been thirsting for.

I felt right away, that it was exactly what I needed. I envied him for his faith and he told me if I just would believe in Jesus as my Savior, He would give me faith too. I started to forget my own problems and my attention was drawn to my oldest sister, who had been suffering from some sort of mental disorder shortly after the II World War. For the past 10 years she had been in and out the mental institutions, receiving terrible treatments, such as 24 electric shocks. If you just knew what that meant!

Years later…when I lived in Canada and took training in the Health Care field, I saw a video on how in those earlier days electric shock treatments were applied. The body of the patient was strapped down to the stretcher. Electrical wires were connected to the patient’s body, mainly to the head. Once the electricity was turned on, the body started to shake violently, so much though, that if the body would not be strapped down it may have jumped of the stretcher. Needless to say, how I felt where my dear sister had gone through. I cried… and cried…also, because I remember how she cried. When she had to go for those treatments. She begged my parents: No… No….please, no electric shocks. I have often wondered if she experienced those treatments without anesthetic.

So…I told John all about her and I was wondering why God had not healed her. John replied, “Did anyone pray for her healing or deliverance?” I could not tell, but I knew that sometimes deacons from the church had visited, but as far as I knew the subject of Maria’s sickness was never touched. “How can we expect God to do something if He is not asked and if there is no faith,” John said. “But would God answer such a request?” I asked again. At this point the Bible in John’s hand was opened and he read: Jesus Christ is the same, yesterday, today and forever. Oh…I thought…finally, something concrete, somebody I could depend on” The Same, He is always the Same”. How could Maria receive healing when nobody believed, was my question.

John explained that if I brought her in faith to the Lord, He would heal her. He said: “When Jesus walked on the earth, He healed all who came to Him and the Bible says that ALL things are possible for them that believe. If the Lord would not keep His Word, how could we be sure of our Salvation.

In the mean time I did do some arithmetic: 2+2=4, nobody can change that, so it is with the Scriptures. Jesus is the same, yesterday, today and forever. He healed then, so He heals now. That was as clear as a bell and simple as pie. But how could I bring my sister in prayer to the Lord? I did not have any faith myself. John said that I only had to be willing, that the Lord will give me faith and do the rest. I thought for a while:I have to give my will to Him, then He will bring it to pass. Well, my life was already a mess anyway, so to be a fool again would not hurt. But…. That RISK could mean my sister’s healing. So, I said to John: “If the Lord is going to heal my sister on that condition, then I will follow Him.”

What a wonderful Gospel, I had never heard anything like it! It was 10 O’clock that night when I went to my apartment, which was only a couple of houses down from John’s home. Of course, John went right down on his knees to call upon the Lord, little did I know.

When I came in my apartment, a very special feeling came over me. I experienced a lightness, as if a heavy weight was taken off my shoulders. All of a sudden I felt in my heart, that something had happened. I opened my curtains and looked at the dark sky. I do not know how to explain it, but I said out loud: “Lord, I do not understand where you are, but I know You just healed my sister. Lord, I don’t know it with my understanding, but I feel it in my heart and it is true.”

I was so certain that it had happened, that I wrote a letter to my parents that same night and put it in the postbox at the corner of the street. Now, isn’t this a little bit foolishness????? The next day I became a little worried and I had to find a place to pray at my job. “Lord,” I said, “I wrote in that letter to my parents that Jesus had healed Maria, I don’t care if they call me crazy, but I have used your Name in that letter. You put that certainty of Maria’s healing in my heart, please, now confirm it in Jesus Name”.

Of course, the Lord had healed her, so much so that Maria gained 20 lbs. within two weeks. This was also the doctor’s observation time before they sent her home – what had happened that night when I visited John. My sister who was in a private cell (room) had asked the nurse for a pail of soapy water and a mop, because she did find it quite dirty – and it probably was. The nurse could not believe her ears and asked Maria what she was saying. The request was repeated, and the nurse provided the pail, water and mop.

So, Maria started to wash the floor, while the nurse was looking on. She went down the hall, the stairs etc. etc. with the nurse following. Anyway, my sister did not even realize that she was a patient, she thought she was housekeeping staff. Before she became institutionalized she worked in a nursing home in that capacity.

After two weeks my parents could take her home and of course they brought Maria first to my apartment. My sister responded in a normal fashion, she liked my room and the view from my window. It seemed such a long time since I heard her speak a normal sentence.

I started to cry and so did my parents. My father asked me to tell him exactly how this all came about. I did not know where to start. So… quietly I said to the Lord: “I don’t know what to tell him and how to explain it, because there is no explanation.” I just opened my Bible and there was the answer right in front of me. There were a couple of more questions and the Lord gave me the answers in the same manner. Then my father said: “How do you know all that… have you studied theology?” I replied, “Father don’t ask me, I don’t know.”

This first miracle in my life changed me completely, as you well can understand. I also had a desire to live with my parents again to support my sister. My father was not exactly thinking the way I did. He felt he would like to move out of the city where people knew him so well, because of my previous questionable reputation.

So it took a while before they had found a suitable home in a small village. I needed a job and not too far from our new home was an ammunition depot from the Ministry of Defense. I read in the paper that a secretary was needed… I did apply for that job, but after my medical examination I was turned down, due to the fact that my lungs did not appear too healthy. According to the X-ray I had all dark spots on the tips of my lungs and the doctor thought that I must have suffered from pleurisy at one time. I told him I never had been sick with anything like that, but that I had been a very heavy smoker…whatever…. I did not get the job.

I went to Neeltje Bouw, the lady preacher, and told her how much I needed that job and what the X-ray had shown. I said, “If the Lord can heal a mental sick sister, He could heal my lungs and make them clear.” So, I asked Neeltje to pray for me, but she did not think it was needed. “You show faith by making that statement, so the Lord will do according to your faith,” she replied.

And He did. I reapplied, knowing that not too many would go for a job in an isolated area, where about 120 men and one woman worked as soldiers and civilians. Once more I underwent medical examination, with the same doctor. He asked me, “haven’t I seen you here before?” “Yes,” I smiled, knowing that this time he would see something different on the X-ray.

After a while, with bewilderment in his eyes, he walked up to me and said, “weren’t you recently rejected, wasn’t there something wrong with your lungs?” “Yes, “ I replied, “but something has happened.”
Again he went into the dark room and came back with another X-ray picture on glass, from my first examination. “I don’t understand this at all,” he went on, “the same person and two different X-rays within a couple of weeks?” He looked at me for an explanation. “I know,” I said, “it is hard to explain, but my lungs have been healed by the Lord.” Of course, that was not a good enough explanation for a doctor. “The Lord… who…the Lord?” he replied. This gave me an excellent opportunity to give my personal testimony, and…. I got the job. The doctor was never the same after!!!!!

So, I went to live with my parents in Schalkwijk… had a job and supported my oldest sister, emotionally and spiritually. It was not always easy, but the Lord was good and all things were working together for good, for me who loved Him (Romans 8:28). Sometimes when friends and family came to visit my parents’ house, I had to clear the downstairs of anything that showed my presence. For me, my life had changed and I had accepted Jesus as my Savior, but my parents could not fathom that. I was a little too fanatic for their liking.

Once, someone drove in the driveway and came to visit us unexpectedly, I had to go out the backdoor, waited until the visitors were in the living room, then I had to sneak down the hall and upstairs to my bedroom. My father did not want anyone to know that I was living with them. I often cried and felt unwanted, but I knew the Lord was in charge of my life, He was on my side and working on my behalf.

One evening the minister and an elder from the church came to visit us. They had heard about my sister’s healing. The minister said to me: “So, you think that God is just like a light switch, you push the button and the light goes on?”

“Well,” I replied, “you sing in church Psalm 81 verse 7, ‘Thou called in time of trouble and I delivered thee,’ and verse 10, ‘Open thy mouth wide and I will fill it’. ‘Ask and thou shall receive’. That is what the Scriptures say… not me.”

Then I asked my sister Maria if she would tell the minister what had happened. Maria stood up and said: I cannot explain what happened to me, but I know that Jesus Christ has healed me.

I was sent upstairs, because my father thought I had responded in an inappropriate way to the minister’s remark.

I had met the Savior and nothing was getting between us. The joy of the Lord was far greater than any suffering.

Within a year I met a young Christian man and we married two months later. Irresponsible??… Not knowing each other??… The Lord knew us…and by now we are married for nearly 35 years. God does not make mistakes!!! The Lord gave us four children and we immigrated to Canada in 1966.

This is part of my testimony and I just have touched the tip of the iceberg. God is unlimited and He will manifest Himself in our lives, if we let Him. To Him be the Glory, great things He has done. It is no secret, what GOD can do. What He does for others, He will do for you!!!

I believe, that, while you have been reading my testimony, God’s Spirit is revealing Himself to your heart. Don’t be afraid to lift up your hands towards heaven and cry out to HIM. Surrender your ALL and put ALL your trust in the Father, who sent His Son Jesus Christ to set you free!!! “Who the SON has set free, is free indeed”

Trudy Veerman

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Unwanted – a Testimony of overcoming Rejection

I started my life unwanted, the product of a relationship my mother had between marriages. I took my first beating at 10 months old at the hands of the babysitter my mother had boarded me with. Shortly thereafter my half sister, (who was 2 years older than me), was kidnapped by her father from my grandmother’s house while my mother was out shopping. My grandfather accepted money to help her father and held my grandmother at gun-point so he could take her.

After my mother got over this loss (my sister was never recovered), she remarried, and in the course of time, produced a son and two more daughters to this man. Until I was about nine years old, we were sent (or taken) to church every Sunday and I learned of Christ and His love for me. I accepted the Lord at the ripe old age of seven or eight, but it didn’t take too many years for me to get into the world’s way of doing things.

Much of my childhood has been erased from my memory by a condition that is known as Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I do however remember some of the cruelty suffered at this man’s hands – such as being made to eat in my room because I was told I was not fit to eat with the family; being picked up by the collar and beat against a wall, having my tailbone broken at least three times by being kicked with steel-toed boots; being raised and told that I was stupid ( I have an extremely high IQ);  and being told I was dumb, lazy, unfit, and unwanted.

My mother and he would fight and a continuing theme presented by him was to send me somewhere else. He didn’t want me there. At 11 yrs old he sexually abused me. I quit speaking for a period of time. He was the first of many adult men that sexually abused me and I was so afraid of people in general and men in particular that I was afraid to say “NO!” Compliance had been beaten into me.

I knew what I was being put through was wrong and I tried to go to Social Services to get us all (my brother, sisters and I) out of the house, but we had a “nice” upper-middle-classed family and back then, things like that just didn’t happen in “good” families like ours. It was decided that I was a liar and incorrigible.

At 14 years old, convinced that I was the reason my parents fought so much, and having overheard the many comments made, I started to run away. I would head across country and disappear, but every time I left it only took a few months for someone to figure out I was underage and report me. I would be sent back only to run again the first chance I got.

The first few times I left I would get a job and a small housekeeping room and just try to live quietly and at peace. I kept to myself. After several attempts though, and being on the streets I started to be led by others. At different points I stayed with a motorcycle gang, was approached many times by people who offered to “help” me, make me a “star”, slept in cars that someone had left open, stayed at “crash pads”, and in general learned to survive on the streets. There were so many times that I could have been coerced into hard drugs, prostitution, or even turned up dead that I dread to even think about them now. But God was faithful to me even if I was not faithful to him. No matter what the environment, he kept me safe from the worst of what could have happened.

I even landed in jail at the ripe old age of 14 1/2. When I was picked up (having been talked into helping the guy I was with to steal a car) , I was so afraid of being sent home to my stepfather’s tender mercies that I told them I was 18 and spent the next 3 1/2 months in the Don Jail in Toronto, which at that time it was considered the worst jail in Canada. The Lord provided for my protection even in that environment in the form of a woman who convinced everyone that I was her “old lady” and off limits to everyone else. She never laid a hand on me.

I did suffer a good beating though because the guards showed me some favoritism in the form of chocolate bars and privileges not normally given out and some women formed the opinion that I was telling information to them to get these things. Nothing could have been further from the truth. Due to what I now know was the Lord’s intervention in my life, people just seemed to want to naturally protect me! (My nickname was pixie for a reason *Smile*). When I refused to tell who had done it to me the other prisoners left me alone.

Incidences similar to this happened to me continually throughout my life. Far too many to go into here – not to say I have escaped all things.

I have been raped (several times), robbed, beaten (throughout my life by many different people), held at gun-point, held at knife-point, given up one child and was an unwed mother to another. It was discovered that I have suffered ritual satanic child abuse. I have lived on the streets both alone and with a small child. I have been homeless. I have faced cancer twice. But, through it all, the Lord has kept me safe from the worst of what could have been. He has spared my life.

About three years ago He decided it was time for me to come to a relationship with Him. My second marriage of only a few months had broken up and they had found another growth in my abdomen. The third one. When I walked out of the doctor’s office after being told, I cried out to God and told Him that if it was His will that I die, so be it. A month later, when they did another scan, it was gone! I thanked him with heartfelt thanks, but I could not bring myself to walk into a church. I had drank too much, done too many things I was ashamed of and in a town that was only 1500 people where I had spent most of the past 17 years, I knew I would not be accepted. I knew I was too bad for the Lord to forgive. I was wrong!

On a Sunday morning I got up and could hear someone saying “go to church” (there was a Pentecostal church only a block from where I lived). I, of course, was arguing with the voice I heard. I remember getting showered and putting on good clothes (slacks and blouse) and all the while arguing with this voice inside me and telling it that I was certainly NOT going to go into a church for people to judge me! I got my shoes on and went out the door still arguing.

That Sunday I won (or lost) the argument. I stood at the bottom of the small incline up to the church and listened to them sing, but would go no further. The next Sunday the scenario was repeated, but this time as I faltered again at the bottom of the short hill, I felt hands in the center of my back pushing me! I thought I had lost it for sure! I kept wanting to turn around and run the other way, but I could not. The hands just kept pushing me toward the small church and into the door!!

I sat at the back trying to be as inconspicuous as possible and I started to cry. Not loud enough for anyone to hear me, but the tears were streaming down my face. Then, to my amazement, the preacher stopped all the singing, stood and looked around and said, “The Lord just told me that someone here needs to dedicate their life to Him. I don’t know who it is but I will wait. Please come up and let’s pray together.” 

I knew he was talking to me, but I would not move. The pastor kept encouraging me to come forward with the same words for the next 45 minutes, but I could not bring myself to go forward in front of all those people! The next Sunday I did. For the next several months I could not go into a church without immediately starting to cry. I didn’t know it then but the Lord was healing me. I changed from an extremely angry person, who couldn’t/wouldn’t talk to others without the anger, resentment, and hate showing up to one who could not only talk to others, but would hug and was able to show love to my fellow human beings.

Three months later I was baptized (Easter Sunday) and made a decision to spend the rest of my life serving the Lord. I am imperfect; I fall just as does everyone, but I get up, ask forgiveness yet again, and carry on learning to serve my Lord. He forgave me, he taught me to forgive as he has done, he taught me to love and what it really is. He is teaching me new things every day.

I thank him for His grace to me and I know that his grace is there waiting for you. He does love you. It does not matter what you have done or where you have been, He will forgive you. He will teach you to forgive yourself. He is waiting for you to earnestly ask. He is calling to you as a Father calls for a lost child he is searching for. Call out to Him. Let Him know you are searching for Him too. He will receive you right where you are. Don’t wait. His arms are open to receive you now.

If you need someone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to contact me.
I can be reached at the following name and email address or website:

Rev. Bunnie Klassen,
Director of
On Fire Ministries

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A Story of God’s Mercy

Well I have been raised in church all my life at a pentecostal church. But I was a very rebellious teenager and wanted to do what I wanted to do. I put my parents through the mill. At the age of 16 I met this guy and got married at 17. It was 1996. It was a horrible experience. Before I got married I had a dream about a snake and it was about him. But I didn’t want to think about that. Well, needless to say I got married anyway and it was a living hell. He was on drugs and all his money went to that and mine went to finances. He was raised in church also but didn’t go, he was backslid too.

In 1997 of January we seperated and filed for divorce which was final in August. In July of 97 I lost my best friend to a car accident. After that i really went down hill. I blamed God for her death, she was backslid and was living in sin. The guy she was with was my ex best friend, she got mixed up in the wrong crowd. She used to be the best witness and she knew her Bible, I was always shy and wouldn’t witness but when I met her I started to come forth. But when she died I couldn’t take it. I don’t know if she made it to Heaven or not. Well for the rest of that year I partied and went with a lot of guys. I almost went to jail for vandalism, there was so many times I could have been killed.

In late 98 I got back in church and rededicated my life. In the beginning of 99 I met this wonderful guy at a sing whom he played the guitar for. At the end of the service they had an altar call, but it wasn’t for sinners it was like for getting a touch from God. So I went up there and the leader of the group prayed for me he said, ” Shannon, I don’t know you only by name but I see this book and it opened and the pages are torn and ragged, and then I see a hand and the hand reaches out and throws the book away, then I see a new book and the pages are brand new and only a few are written on.” That was Gods way of saying I’m giving you a brand new start for your life. Well me and that guy are married now, he still plays for that group and are active in our church and have a 2 month old little girl. I never knew how much I could love someone until I had her. And now I realize how my mom felt all those years I rebelled. I thank God that I am alive today b/c I could be in hell today had it not been for his grace and mercy. Sometimes the devil tries to remind me of my past but I’m reminded of the verse in Philippians 3:13 Brethren, I count not myself to be apprehened: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, And reaching forth unto those things which are before. When we fall we need toget back up and start over again you can make it all the way with the Lord.

I hope my testimony helps someone. Love in Christ.

Shannon

Siseyes0906@cs.com

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