When I was diagnosed with post-polio syndrome, the doctors said that my body would continue to weaken and perhaps leave me a quadriplegic. That meant a life of complete dependence on others. And when my husband left me several years later, I would often wake up in the middle of the night, terrified. I played out my worst-case scenarios. Who will care for me as my body fails? Will everyone abandon me? What if my physical decline happens faster than I thought? The questions haunted me. Could I fully trust God with all I needed?
The nights were long and lonely, and the long and lingering tail of suffering was wearing me down. Yet I knew that I needed to keep coming back to God, so I poured out my questions and pain to him night after night. I confessed that I felt let down by him. That I wanted more than he was providing. That I longed for certainty more than I longed for his presence.
It was through this honest wrestling that God met me. I realized that though the future felt uncertain to me, it was fully known to him. I no longer felt deserted by God in the wilderness, but instead began to feel his presence more intensely. I noticed signs of his love that I’d once overlooked. He was loving me when I asked for peace, and it flooded over me. He was loving me when I felt depressed, and a friend called unexpectedly. He was loving me when I opened the Bible, and it came alive to me. God was showing me his extravagant love in countless ways. I just needed to pay attention.
Persecution Live 