When researchers from the University of Virginia asked 3,000 men and women what the most important quality in marriage is in 2006, they were expecting the answers to be things like “frequent sex,” “good communication,” and “common interests.” Instead, most of the responders said “generosity.” Surprised? By now, most researchers who study long-term relationships aren’t. In 2014, researcher John Gottman listed kindness and generosity as the two most important elements in a lasting union, and more and more studies1 are linking generosity with happiness in general.
Here are some of the most important things you should know about generosity, especially if you’re looking to apply it to your relationship:
1. If you are not naturally generous, you can learn how to be.
A 2007 study out of Hebrew University showed that some people are programmed to have a more generous nature than others. “The experiment provided the first evidence, to my knowledge, for a relationship between DNA variability and real human altruism,” lead researcher Dr. Ariel Knafo said.
This does not mean you are doomed to selfishness. Think of generosity as a muscle. You can give yourself a kind of “workout.” You start at the gym without much capacity to lift even a few pounds, but over time you build muscle strength. Generosity is the same. It may feel strange and even counterintuitive, but if you want to be generous and act as though you are, you can will yourself to get better at it.
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