Tag: Fix Relationships

Scripture also uses the term “family” to refer to a group of people living together under one roof

“The ark of God remained with the family of Obed-Edom in his house for three months, and the LORD blessed his household and everything he had” (1 Chr 13:14)—Notice the close connection between “family” and “household.”

We must conclude that while the term “family” occurs regularly in the Old Testament and once in the New Testament—the term occurs 123 in the King James Version, only the occurrence in Ephesians 3:15 is outside the Old Testament—there is no definition of “family” given in the Scriptures.

While we don’t have a definition of “family” in the Bible, we do have clear directives concerning marriage, the interaction between husbands and wives, children, and their interaction with their parents and parents’ interaction with their children.

Another problem we have in thinking about “family” is that people, even Christians, think of “family” in different terms. The only experience we have when we marry is our family of origin. If our mother always had supper on the table when our father came home or our father always brought home roses on Friday, it’s easy to see how we expect the same when we get married. On the other hand, if our father verbally abused our mother and our mother regularly gave our father the silent treatment, that’s likely what we’ll expect when we get married. Research has shown that adolescents and young adults develop expectations for family life from television, and that these expectations are associated with the degree of satisfaction they experience in their families. Previous relationships also teach us what to expect from marriage. What friends and former dating partners wanted or needed in a relationship may train us to think that everyone in a marriage acts that way.

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At times, “family” does refer to a group of people with a common ancestry.

When the Israelites were unable to conquer Ai because Achan had taken spoil from Jericho, we read that the LORD told Joshua: “In the morning, present yourselves tribe by tribe. The tribe that the LORD takes shall come forward clan by clan; the clan that the LORD takes shall come forward family by family; and the family that the LORD takes shall come forward man by man. He who is caught with the devoted things shall be destroyed by fire, along with all that belongs to him. He has violated the covenant of the LORD and has done a disgraceful ting in Israel!’ Early the next morning Joshua had Israel come forward by tribes, and Judah was taken. The clans of Judah came forward, and he took the Zerahites. He had the clan of the Zerahites come forward by families, and Zimri was taken. Joshua had his family come forward man by man, and Achan son of Carmi, the son of Zimri, the son of Zerah, of the tribe of Judah, was taken” (Jos 7:14-18). Do notice, however, that family doesn’t include all people of common ancestry, but simply from grandfather to grandson.

In the narrative of Gideon, “family” is generally described much more closely to what we think of as the traditional “family.”

  • Jud 6:15: “‘But Lord,’ Gideon asked, ‘How can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family.’”
  • “That same night the LORD said to him, ‘Take the second bull from your father’s heard, the one seven years old. Tear down your father’s altar to Baal and cut down the Asherah pole beside it. Then build a proper kind of altar to the LORD your God on the top of this height. Using the wood of the Asherah pole that you cut down, offer the second bull as a burnt offering.’ So Gideon took ten of his servants and did as the LORD told him. But because he was afraid of his family and the men of the town, he did it at night rather than in the daytime” (Jud 6:25-27). Notice the close connection between family and father.

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The third definition given “The basic unit of society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children” sounds good at first.

This is where we will spend the majority of our time this semester, but even the traditional family—two parents rearing their children—poses a problem from a Christian viewpoint. It poses a problem because there are times when because of no immorality it is not possible to have two parents raising their children. Sometimes similar situations occur because of the unchristian actions of just one spouse—perhaps a spouse commits adultery or abuses alcohol or has a terrible temper he or she takes out on the children.

The third definition also poses a problem, for it adds the following: “any of various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family.” Again, this opens the door to people living in immorality having the same status as those living according to biblical principles.

How does the Bible define “family”?

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The second definition “A group of persons of common ancestry” really doesn’t pose any moral problems. However, it does pose a problem as we think about families.

We Christians affirm that we all have common ancestry. Eve is the mother of all people: “Adam named his wife Eve [which probably means “living”], because she would become the mother of all the living” (Gen 3:20). The Great Flood destroyed all living things except those on the ark. Noah and his family are likewise the ancestors of all of us: “God blessed Noah and his sons, saying to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the earth” (Gen 9:1).

Each of us, therefore, not only has a common ancestry, but we can often find that we are related to most of the people we know. I’ve done some genealogical research and have found some interesting data:

  • My wife and I—even though we are from different parts of Kentucky and never met until we were both in our twenties—are 10th cousins 10 times removed.
  • I have traced ancestry and found the following people in a branch of my family tree: Queen Elizabeth II, George Washington, Jimmy Carter, Princess Diana, Alexander the Great, and Charlemagne. It is believed that every person of European descent in this country is descended from Charlemagne.
  • I even discovered that my wife is a very distant cousin of the elders’ wives where I preach.

The question is: “Are these individuals really a ‘family’“?

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The first definition: “A group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head” poses myriad problems for us Christians.

What about a woman who has a husband and children who “falls in love” with a co-worker and leaves her husband and children and forms a new household with that co-worker? Are those two people really a family? What about a lady who decides to get pregnant from artificial insemination? Are she and that child truly a family? What about two homosexual men who are living together? Are they a family? What if they go and adopt a child or find a surrogate mother? If a child enters the picture, do they become a family? What about a man and woman who simply live together? Are they a family? What about roommates living together in college? Are they a family?

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Marriage and Family | God’s Creation of Marriage

God’s Creation of Marriage

 

There are problems any time we begin to talk about marriage and family, and we’ll think about several of those problems as we go through this course.

One of the main problems is the question about how to define family. Merriam-Webster defines family like this: “A group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head.” “A group of persons of common ancestry.” “The basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children, also: any of various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family.”

I generally don’t like defining words like this one from an English dictionary. I don’t like doing that because my thinking is: “If the Bible is going to be our authority, then we need to allow the Bible to define the word.” I think we obviously see the problems in defining the word “family” from Merriam-Webster from a biblical perspective.

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7. Pursue Health

While every marriage has to work through inevitable tensions and stresses, the toxicity that comes with trauma can saturate a marriage with a disastrous cocktail of chronic misunderstandings, alienated individuals, and hopeless hearts. But you can help to turn the tide and be an active participant in God’s redemptive work in your marriage. You can help to bring health and restoration to your family. Here are a few key ways to pursue health in a marriage plagued by complex childhood trauma.

  • Learn your spouse’s story. Be a listening ear whenever your spouse is willing to share his or her story. Listen actively and empathetically. Avoid criticizing. Instead, offer words of compassion and affirmation (affirmation regarding the pain and struggles of their experiences, not affirmation of their poor choices or toxic behavior.)
  • Ask your spouse what he or she wants. Because of impaired attachment, many trauma survivors will not ask for what they want. You can begin to help your spouse develop healthy emotional muscles and build bridges of attachment by inviting him or her to share what he or she needs from you in a given situation or dynamic.
  • Grieve. Being in a marriage affected by trauma means you have sustained many losses. There are things you hoped for relationally and otherwise that your spouse may just not be able to give you. You need to acknowledge and grieve the pain of those losses. One day your spouse may be able to give you those things that your heart rightly longs for.
  • Get help. Simply put, this is a tough road to walk! Getting marriage counseling from an experienced counselor who knows how to recognize and treat trauma is key. That counselor may also be able to encourage your spouse to get the individual therapy he needs so he can begin to truly heal and experience a much richer life.  And reach out for individual counseling yourself, whether it is every week, once a month, or from time to time. Family counseling may also be warranted.
  • Express your needs. Whether or not your spouse is capable of meeting those needs, hearing the needs expressed puts them on his or her radar and can help create an awareness and motivation to pursue healing and growth.
  • Build the family you desire. When you are married to a trauma survivor there is a great deal to navigate. And what you envision for your family might seem like an impossibility. But not every hope and dream has to be a casualty of trauma’s realities. Create the memories and traditions you believe should be a part of your children’s experiences. Instill the values you want them to have. Be consistent with discipline, instruction, and nurture. It will not always be easy. It will not always go according to plan. But build anyhow! It will be worth it!
  • Listen to the Lord. This is listed last, but is certainly not least! Though you may not know all of the ins and outs of your spouse’s trauma journey, God does! He is able to guide you each step of the way, and He is ultimately the only One who can redeem the ravages of trauma. Let Him be your Healer, your Comforter, and your Guide.

There is no doubt about it, being married to a survivor of complex childhood trauma is not easy. But it is possible to anchor yourself in the midst of the tumultuous waters. Your life may feel like it constantly shifts, but you as a person can have a strong, resilient internal fortitude that can foster a measure of stability for your family.

You do not have to journey alone. For additional help, visit us here.

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9. Resolve to speak blessing.

  • Speak blessings to others. Be proactive. Look for opportunities to bless, validate, and encourage.
  • Speak blessings not only to others, but also about others.
  • Give specific blessings–personal and appropriate (Gen. 48:1-3, 15-16; 49:28). Envision what God can do in others. Exercise faith on their behalf through a blessing that can transform their future (Heb. 11:20-21).
  • Don’t just think it. Say it—now! Don’t wait for the funeral.
  • Although there are many everyday opportunities to bless, blessings are also appropriate on special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.)
  • Blessings are especially important for those under your leadership or authority. (Wives can encourage their husbands to see the value of blessing their children.)
  • Words of blessing cause growth, give hope, and bring healing.
  • Blessings turn hearts toward the “Blesser”—our loving, just, and faithful God.

Words are powerful, and death and life are in the power of the tongue. When we curse, demean, diminish, or belittle with our words, we speak lies—Satan’s language. When we speak the truth of God’s Word into people’s lives, we bless them.

Make the wise choice to become a blesser!

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8. Refuse to return cursing for cursing.

  • Only return blessing for cursing (Rom. 12:14, 17-21).
  • The biblical principle is, you will reap what you sow (Gal. 6:7). If you bless others, you will be blessed. If you curse them, you will be cursed.

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7. Repent of any cursing you have done to others.

  • Christians’ words should only be a source of blessing (James 3:8-11; 4:11).
  • Speaking evil of believers is a characteristic of non-believers (1 Pet. 2:12; 3:16)
  • Be careful about the impact of your words as a parent or with your spouse.
  • Don’t be careless with words. Refrain from jesting, teasing, criticisms or constant “evaluations” that leave their mark. Don’t make snap judgments or jump to conclusions–be “slow to speak”(James 1:19).
  • Be careful how you speak to children in public.
  • Be careful how you speak about parents (Prov. 30:11; 20:20), in-laws, pastors, employers, teachers, Christian workers and church members, friends and neighbors, even your “enemies.”

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