Category: relationships

My second advice for women who were unfaithful, may be hard at times but it goes along with the process of recovery from your affair.

• Be accountable of your time away from your husband.  We’re not used to giving an account of where we are and what we’re doing.  Or, show proof we really were where we said we were going to be.  It was hard for me at first too.  But then I realized- I was the one that created this mess for us– not him.  So, I had to own up to the consequences if I wanted to get my marriage back and have my husband trust me again.
• I didn’t even go out shopping alone very much at that time, and when I did, I had my cell phone on and always answered when he called. Not answering his calls was also a trigger for my husband, so I was diligent with that. Just remember, this season won’t last forever.  But the more consistent you are in this, the quicker he’ll heal.

• Give him all your passwords and emails. Let him have complete access to all your social media accounts, your emails and your phone.
• Understand how he feels when you’re not with him.  Leaving the house will be a huge trigger for your husband and he’s going to be worried. You would be too if the roles were reversed.  What helps even more is when you take a proactive approach and show him everything before he even asks. This is all very important if you want to heal your husband’s heart after your affair.

I’ll be honest, there will be times you’ll get sick of being accountable. Frustration and despair will likely come in when it seems everything you do is shrouded in a cloud of suspicion. Those were hard days for us. But the hard days became less and less, and eventually he trusted me again. It can happen for you too.

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1. Be Sure All Ties To The Other Man Are Broken.

This may be obvious, but it is also likely going to be the hardest to follow through with in the beginning.

• Push past the withdrawal.  There is something called withdrawal that occurs, much like when an addict goes without their drug of choice.  It’s uncomfortable and hard at first.  But keep your eye on the prize-your husband’s healing and your marriage’s survival is at stake. Don’t make the mistake I did and let this one drag on…you just might go back to your affair partner too many times and risk losing your husband for good.
• Cut off any means of communication with affair partner.   Don’t leave any openings that he could communicate with you or that you could contact him in a weak moment (that means blocking him on all social media and his number on your phone). I realize this is a hard step to make, but it’s critical. Keep reminding yourself, every contact you make with your affair partner, is a step backwards. If you REALLY want to save your marriage and you’re tired of feeling so confused and torn up inside, you’ve got to end all contact.

If you’re struggling with this, I encourage you to read would your affair partner make a good spouse?

Here’s a visual for you when you’re feeling tempted to contact your affair partner, I used to think of it like playing the game of Sorry.

You move up the board and things are going good, then you roll the dice and it has you go back to the beginning of the game to start all over. Having contact with your affair partner, however minor you think it is, is like going back to the beginning of healing for your marriage and for yourself.

Even if your husband does not find out you had contact, YOU will know. And your heart cannot heal from the effects of the affair until all contact is broken off.

If you’re still struggling with this, you can read more about breaking off an affair here.

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Here is Jamie’s story:

“I became a part of the AMA Facebook group in April 2019 when there were less than 100 members. At that time, I was in the midst of a NC period with AP, on the verge of yet another relapse and so horribly broken. Debbie Rose’s website [Aftermyaffair.com] was the first I stumbled upon in gaining some clarity and insight.

The women in the AMA Facebook group encouraged me and gave me hope.
I remember thinking I can’t wait until I am on the other side of this and can do the same for others. So here I am…

My AP was a co-worker, 9 years younger than me and I wasn’t at all attracted to him in the beginning. When I went back to work in June, 2015 after my second son was born, I was in a horrible state of postpartum depression but I didn’t realize that then. I had never been depressed before.

AP was pursuing his master’s degree in counseling and given that summertime was a slow time at work, we had a lot of time to talk. He was just a friend and a colleague then but when I look back, I remember that summer beginning to see him in a different light, more attractive. I was bummed on days he was out for some reason. It still felt innocent, but something in me was changing.

Husband and I had been married 12 years at that time, we were involved in our church, I was/am a Christian and there is nothing bad to say about H. He was a great father and husband, he still is. I wish I had known then what I know now about true love and marriage. I do know now that God can take the worst thing and make it the best thing.

In September, 2015 I came out of my depression and I spent a lot of time with co-workers including AP. We were a tight group. About that time, AP’s girlfriend broke up with him. He was vulnerable and I could tell he was already attracted to me.

The emotional and physical A started in March, 2016. I started it. I kissed him.
Looking back, I was totally caught up in infatuation/limerence. I knew it was wrong but it didn’t matter, it felt so good and it was so fun. I told myself, I’ve always been a good girl, this is a phase, no one will ever know and I’ll come out of it. We texted all the time and ran errands for work together and were just high on each other.

In June, 2016 he decided to pursue an available girl and I was out of my mind jealous and sick over it. It didn’t work out, we started the A up again in August, 2016. We both knew it was wrong and struggled with guilt so he again tried pursuing another single girl in September, 2016. Again, I was jealous and sick. He broke that off in November, 2016…Thus began my living 2 lives. AP and I were in a relationship all of 2017. I lied all the time to H and family. We saw each other whenever we could. I signed up for lots of out of town work training and he went with me.

My life at home was not bad but this felt exhilarating. It was an escape, a high.
I was still Christian. I knew I couldn’t lie to or hide from God but I did shy away from him and told myself he’d always forgive me. H and I had a good relationship although clearly distant and he never suspected that I’d be unfaithful.

In February, 2018 AP and I decided we couldn’t live without each other and the only choice I could see was to tell H the truth and leave to be with AP. I told H that February and his whole reality crumbled in an instant. He begged me to give it 6 months, to do counseling, to “try”. I agreed because what kind of horrible person doesn’t try? My heart was not in it. We went to counseling and I even tried NC but it was short lived.

In May, 2018 I moved out, telling H I was no longer in A but I needed space and time for me. I was taking another step closer to “freedom” and what I so desperately wanted. I convinced myself that AP was my soulmate and God has someone better for H because H deserved so much better after what I’d done.

I also began to feel between a rock and a hard place. My family and friends were upset with me. Everyone thought I’d gone crazy. AP was a good guy (who obviously made bad choices) who was single with no kids. However, he had nothing to offer me that I didn’t already have and everyone loved H. It was totally limerence/affair fog. I know it was.  But I believed it would last forever.

After I moved out, I’d go home weekly to see my boys. I remember my youngest, 3 the time, waking up with me sitting next to him on the couch and he looked at me with distrust and said “Mommy, you came back.” I was choosing AP over my boys and they didn’t even trust me anymore and it hurt. It was so deserved – but it hurt.

I had/have the most amazing mother in law in the world. The epitome of Christ-like love. She was running my home while I was getting ready to break up my family One day she said, “Jamie, what do you know in your heart without a doubt to be true?” I said God’s word, the Bible. She said don’t look at it as choosing between H and AP, just look to God’s word, where does it lead you? At that moment, I knew I had to break it off and come home not because my heart wanted to, but because I knew it was the right thing.

I had no idea how strong the relapse struggle would be. I broke it off and chose my marriage in May, 2018. AP was devastated but he wasn’t mad and he didn’t try to guilt me into staying. I think he knew it was the right thing too as much as it hurt. The depression I felt then I now know was withdrawal. It was worse than postpartum. I was a shell of myself. I felt so empty. I lost so much weight, my heart felt shattered. I just wanted AP. He reached out a couple weeks later, which felt like an eternity, to give me some of the stuff I’d left at his place. We relapsed.

This time the A was different, worse, because we now knew the fairy-tale future we’d planned together didn’t exist. We knew we could never be together in real life but we couldn’t let go either. I call 2018 the year of purgatory, it was the worst I’ve ever experienced. Our A wasn’t fun and exciting anymore. I was in a place where I wanted something so badly I knew I could never have and I was tormented. There were a couple days I couldn’t even get out of bed. We carried on until December, 2018 and I broke it off.

He knew what a mess I was and I knew I really had to work on my marriage and try to get out of this cycle. I lasted until spring 2019, and reached out on his birthday. We stayed in contact until a month later 2019- then he broke it off saying it hurt too much to live like this anymore. It was a hard two months until April, 2019 when he caved and reached out on my birthday.

This is when I found AMA and Debbie told me don’t respond to him, you will lose the 2 months of progress you’ve made. I didn’t listen. I couldn’t resist. I no longer felt in purgatory through 2019 but I was stuck in darkness, depending on AP,
afraid to let go and therefore not healing or moving forward in my marriage, my life.

Finally in December, 2020. He met someone. Someone who attracted him and gave him hope of a future. I know it was God’s divine intervention. God knew that’s what it’d take to break us apart because clearly my H and my faith hadn’t been enough. AP broke it off for the final time to pursue a healthy relationship.
I don’t know how long I would’ve stayed stuck in that cycle if he hadn’t.

2020 was my year of healing and progress. I accessed resources from Affair Recovery, I took their Hope for Healing class, I watched tons of videos from Dr. Joe Beam on Limerence and infidelity through Marriage Helper.

I was finally present in my home, my marriage, my family. My relationship with Jesus was and is more real than ever. Honestly, I was grieving the loss of AP but not like before. As much as I initially hated thinking of AP with someone else, it was absolutely what needed to happen to draw me out of that dark, deceived place and into the light I am currently in.

I have personally experienced God’s rescue, grace and mercy in my life. 2020 was my first full year of NC and healing. I’m now in year 2. I haven’t arrived by a long shot but I am healthier than I’ve been in 6 years.

I have a whole new respect and appreciation for my H. He has stayed faithful and committed. Loving at me at my worst through my withdrawal and depression.
We have both been in individual and couples counseling which helps immensely but it took a few fails to find the right therapist. He and I are currently in a better place than ever before. I won’t lie, he still struggles with triggers and memories but we communicate and work through them. I still struggle with triggers and memories but I logically know now that it’s not AP I miss. It was the excitement, the escape, the high. It truly was a dangerous addiction and NC is absolutely necessary to get out of it. I know I’m a stronger, more compassionate woman because of the experience.

I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through and it was not linear… so much up and down. I failed over and over but God was always with me. He never left, I chose to walk away from him. He chased me down and saved me from the destruction I was choosing at the time. God loves me enough that he saved me from a whole lot worse kind of guilt, shame and regret. Not because I deserve it but because of his grace. I never ever have to doubt or question that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. This is the life God called me to. I belong in my marriage, in my family, in my home.

There is never a reality where God will call you to violate his most sacred covenant, marriage, and start a life with someone else. That could never be in anyone’s best interest including yours. On days (which are becoming less) that I struggle with triggers I am comforted by this truth. I used to believe that love is a feeling. I now know love is a choice, a commitment and an action. My love for AP was jealous and self-seeking. True love is never self-seeking and it is always kind. Following God is so simple but it is not easy because the world is broken and we are broken and the temptation of our flesh is strong. Always remember that God is stronger and our true victory and freedom can only be found in him.”

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I hope this new Infidelity Recovery series will help you find the hope & strength to flee your affair and pursue a life of honor and integrity.

PLEASE NOTE: The stories listed below are written by the women (and sometimes husbands) who were involved and only posted here with their permission. Their testimonies cannot be reprinted, redistributed or reproduced
without permission first from Debbie at http://www.AfterMyAffair.com

Although the stories are true, some specific identifying information
may have been changed to maintain their privacy. The views and beliefs expressed in these testimonies reflect the unique experiences and opinions
of each person relating their own story.

I pray that those of you who have never been in this terrible trap will not judge these women, but will first, take a step back to try to understand the deception they were under and recognize that we are all vulnerable to it, so please lay down your stones of judgment and read with an open heart. There are no excuses or justifications for an affair, and you won’t find any here. But our hope is that we all recognize the dangers of adultery, and refuse to take its bait.

If you are a woman who had an affair, I hope you will recognize the urgent need to end it now and never go back into it. The devastation that infidelity brings will continue on the longer you remain in it. These women, and myself, were able to get free of ours, and you can too! True peace and restoration will only come from Jesus Christ and my prayer is that you will find His love as you repent from your affair and turn to Him completely.

*More stories will be added monthly. If you’d like to make a difference in others lives by sharing your story (anonymously of course); please reach out to Debbie – debbie@aftermyaffair.com with “I’d like to share my story” in the subject line. I would even consider testimonies from former betrayed husbands who want to help other men. I will get back to you as soon as possible with a list of criteria and questions.

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