Growing up you knew, even though it was perhaps never said out loud, that you were essentially on your own. Problem with a teacher? You solved it. Conflict with a friend? You figured it out yourself. Your childhood was a training ground for self-sufficiency. Now, as an adult, you prefer to do things yourself. Because you’re so very competent, the great thing is that for the most part, you can.
With their heads held high but their spirits lower than should be, they walk among us.
“I don’t need any help,” they say with a smile. But “what do you need?” they ask others with genuine interest.
Loved and respected by all who know them, they struggle to love and respect themselves. These are the people of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN).
What is Childhood Emotional Neglect, or CEN? It’s a simple but powerful force in the life of a child. All it takes is growing up in a household where your feelings don’t matter enough.
Typically, I write about the special challenges of the emotionally abused or neglected, such as self-blame, self-directed anger, and low self-compassion. That’s because I want to help the people of CEN overcome them.
But truth be told, the emotionally neglected are some of the strongest adults I have ever met. Yes, it’s hard to believe, but there is a bright side to growing up emotionally ignored.
So now I’d like to highlight the particular strengths you likely have if you grew up this way.
Pride deserves to die, but it is hard to spot and even harder to kill. Pride is a slippery sin because it is a shape-shifter. Jonathan Edwards said pride is “the most hidden, secret, and deceitful of all sins.” Let me give you an example. Here is a conversation that I might have with myself after a meeting at church:
“That meeting went really well. I think the turning point might have been when I asked that question which no one had thought to ask before. Wait a minute! That was such a prideful thought. It sounds like I am taking credit for the meeting going well. I am such a prideful person. I hate my pride.”
Meanwhile three seconds later, “I fight pride pretty hard. I’m glad that I caught that initial prideful thought. I wonder if other people are as aware of their pride and fight it as hard as I do. Wait a minute! It just happened again. I am taking pride in my awareness of pride. O, deliver me from this body of death, Lord Jesus! Thank you God that you give us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”
I am very qualified to speak on pride because I am so proud. I hate my pride, but what I take even more seriously is how God hates it so much more.
Pride is our greatest enemy because it makes God our enemy — an almighty opponent. “God opposes the proud” (James 4:6; 1 Peter 5:5). Why? What makes pride so singularly repulsive to God is the way that pride contends for supremacy with God himself. Pride is not one sin among many, but a sin in a class by itself. Other sins lead the sinner further from God, but pride is particularly heinous in that it attempts to elevate the sinner above God.
Pride is not just a sin, but a sinful mother — a sinful orientation that gives birth to more sins. For example, pride can lead to lying. You tell a lie because you are too proud to admit you were wrong or you did something wrong. But the problem is so much bigger. Pride doesn’t just tell lies; it is a lie.
Why? Pride is self-obsession; pride is preoccupation with ourselves. Therefore, it is a lie about reality. It says I am worth thinking about all the time. It is an orientation that wrongly assumes that everything revolves around us.
And what started off badly–the relationship–doesn’t get any better just because a bond forms.
For example, let’s say you dated someone who abused you. You really loved them, but they weren’t willing to change, so you found the courage to end the relationship. You try to move on, but you just can’t get that person out of your mind.
Or maybe …
You used to be married, but your spouse cheated on you and left years ago. You’ve forgiven them, and you really meant it when you did. You don’t harbor any animosity toward your ex. However, you still can’t stop thinking about them. You haven’t been able to get free from the memories of what they did, even though you’ve tried.
Or maybe …
You used to be bullied a lot when you were growing up. In the adult world, people no longer bully you; but you still catch yourself shying away from people, thinking that they will. You feel like the bullying happened just yesterday, even though it was years ago. And like the situation above, you may have even forgiven them–but you still suffer from the damage inflicted on you.
A soul tie is a spiritual phenomena that happens when your soul (your mind, will, and emotions) become linked to another person. Some soul ties are good. For example:
In that situation, with the pastor and his/her sheep, the parishioner can have a real fondness or even brotherly love for the pastor, and the pastor appreciates the parishioner and has a fatherly love for that person. That kind of relationship is a good thing. God’s Word tells us to love and honor our pastors.
In all these situations, the bond that forms between the people in these holy relationships is a godly thing. It edifies, encourages, and lifts up both people who have the connection with one another.
Have you ever tried to stop thinking about someone or something, but you just haven’t been able to? Have you tried and tried to forget about that ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, ex-husband, ex-wife, or the friend who did you wrong … to no avail?
Have you ever gotten frustrated with yourself because you haven’t been able to just move on … even though you’ve tried so hard?
If you answered yes to any of those questions, you may have a soul tie.
And lastly, surround yourself with positive people who see the best in you and who bring out the best in you. Honestly, this was a very crucial step in my own healing process. It wasn’t until I emptied my life of pretty much everyone and everything that I was not only able to root out all the bad stuff, but really grow in all the good stuff as well.
Yes, this is very difficult to do, especially if you have friends and family who are toxic. But coming from someone who gave up every single friendship I had prior to this point of healing – it was worth it. Yes, sometimes I miss some of my old friends – they were wonderful people who did nothing wrong – but it was what I had to do to find healing, and I’m so glad I did.
If you’ve been living with pain, shame and regret over choices you’ve made in your past, let me tell you – it does NOT have to be this way. I know because I’ve been there, but I’m not there anymore.
Of course, feeling forgiven and making positive changes going forward isn’t always easy. That’s why you must commit to walking in truth.
What sins do you struggle to avoid? What Scriptural truths do you struggle to believe? Find relevant Scripture, write it down, memorize it, and refer to it constantly. Meditate on it day and night until it becomes a part of you and you start living according to it.
Are you struggling with guilt and shame over your past? Memorize Romans 8:1, which says, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
Repeat it to yourself every time those feelings try to creep back in again. Say it out loud if you need to. Write it on your hand if you need to. Spray paint it on your walls if you need to. Whatever it takes for you to be able to proclaim it victoriously.
If God, who is perfect, pure and holy can forgive you – so can you. You are not allowed to hold yourself to a higher standard than God does (as though you were a more righteous judge), and you don’t want to say that Jesus’s blood is insufficient for your sins (it’s not). When God declares you forgiven, you are forgiven. Period. The end.
Persecution Live 