What may prompt an individual’s recognition

Women back into discovery more often than not. Sometimes it becomes clear in therapy, but usually she’s gone into therapy to explore her current unhappiness (e.g., failed relationships, difficulty connecting or achieving goals, and other ancillary problems), and the connection to childhood emerges; that said, many daughters have commented that they were in therapy for years without ever tracing the problems of the present back to their roots.

For some, caring relationships in adulthood highlight the abusive or withholding nature of their childhood treatment. Others come to the realization, because someone points it out to them. For some, becoming a mother shines a light. Some finally see when their mothers treat their children as they were treated or when, despite efforts to set boundaries and rules, their mothers continue to verbally abuse them.

And then there’s just readiness. A daughter sees because she’s finally ready to see, because some internal tipping point is reached. This sounds mystical, but as I explain in my book, Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life, it is the slow pace of revelation.

Read More

The barriers that prevent us from seeing clearly

While you may be conscious of how lousy your childhood treatment made you feel, chances are good that you cannot see its effect on you; most of the behaviors we adopt to get through are unconscious. Additionally, there are other forces at play that prevent you from recognition:

You’ve normalized your childhood experiences.

You like thinking that the past is the past, and you’re free.

You’re not ready to act or react to your childhood treatment.

You want to be like everyone else. And you are ashamed of your childhood.

You’re afraid your treatment was justified, and it’s all your fault.

More than anything, you want your mother to love you. Maybe she will. Soon?

Your alternating hope and denial keeps you stuck.

Read More

7 Things an Unloved Daughter Longs for as an Adult 3. True self-confidence. Posted October 11, 2018 | Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano

While there are meaningful differences in every unloved daughter’s story, there are nonetheless broad commonalities. Understanding them and seeing the role each plays in your own life can be the first of many steps towards healing.

Some of these are consciously perceived, though we may not put them in context and connect them to childhood experiences for years and years. Anecdotally at least — from my research and interviews over the last 20 years — recognition of how childhood experiences affect the present usually doesn’t begin until a woman is in her late 30s or 40s, and often later.

If you’ve had a difficult childhood and felt under the thumb of a controlling, combative, or narcissistic mother, young adulthood brings with it a sense of opportunity as you literally get out from under by moving. Alas, the reality is, chances are good that you’re not seeing how much emotional baggage accompanies you on the trip out. Why is recognition so slow?

Read More