First, you must acknowledge the hurt and/or hate you have toward the person(s). If your forgiveness doesn’t visit the emotional core of the offense, it will be incomplete. Let God bring it to the surface so He can deal with it. This is where healing takes place.
Category: Spirituality and Truth
Why is Forgiveness so Important to God?
One simple answer is that He wants us to experience freedom, not the chains of anxiety and roots of bitterness that bind us when we don’t forgive. It’s FOR US, not for the person who offended us or did us wrong. His heart is for us to experience the authentic life that He created for us fully. If our heart is filled with anger or bitterness, there’s not much room for Holy Spirit.
But more importantly, it’s because Jesus forgave us!
Matthew 18:21-25 provides a clear picture of how God views unforgiveness and bitterness, and the consequences we will suffer if we choose not to forgive.
In verses 32-34, the master called in the unmerciful servant and said, ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger, his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured until he should pay back all he owed.
Why Do We Choose Not to Forgive?
Forgiving is difficult for us because it pulls on your concepts of justice. We want justice, or revenge, for the offenses we have suffered. We believe that if we forgive, then there was no justice. We protest, “Why should I let them off the hook?” But the truth is they aren’t off the hook. You take them off of yours, but they’re still on God’s. He will deal with them fairly, which is something we cannot do.
We CAN uproot it…if we CHOOSE to!
What do I mean?
It may be difficult to forget, but forgiving is not the same as forgetting. Forgiveness is a choice. Here’s what scripture says:
“Be ANGRY, and yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.” (Eph. 4:26-27)
At the end of the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus warns us, “For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.” (Matthew 6:14-15)
He who hates his brother is in darkness, and walks in darkness, and does not know where he is going, because darkness has blinded his eyes. (1 John 2:11)
Again, forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgetting may be a result, the fruit, of forgiving, but it’s not the means of forgiveness.
What Forgiveness Is, and What It’s Not
Choosing not to forgive is, without a doubt, the number one way that gives the enemy the right to attack Christians. Many believe they can’t forgive for many reasons. So let’s cover what it is and what it isn’t.
Forgiving is NOT Forgetting! That old adage, “forgive and forget” IS NOT in the Bible. The Lord never said you have to forget, but He did say we are to forgive. It’s not even a suggestion. It’s a command as His children.
Even when we are genuinely wronged, God says we are to forgive. You may say or feel like you can never forgive, but you can. What we really mean when we say that is, “I don’t want to forgive them.” If it were impossible, God wouldn’t have commanded us to forgive.
Forgiveness IS NOT saying that what they did or what happened was ok. It wasn’t. Whatever happened to you, whatever was said, or however, someone or something made you feel is NOT OK.
In fact, “stuffing” it down is harmful. I used to be a “stuffer.” Stuffing helps you temporarily hide from it, but it creates so many more issues in personal freedom, your relationship with God, and others.
Forgiving someone IS NOT devoid of emotion. You may feel any number of emotions, such as anger. Anger is a feeling; it’s an emotion. It’s OK to feel the emotion and acknowledge it exists, we aren’t robots. But it’s NOT OK to stay there! Holding onto anger creates a bitter root and gives the enemy a stronghold in your life.
Forgiveness IS NOT a feeling. It’s a decision, a choice of your will (mind).
Breaking Free of the Chains of Unforgiveness and Bitterness
What if I told you that unforgiveness and bitterness are the number one, wide-open front door access the enemy gains access to attack you? Unforgiveness and bitterness are invisible chains that imprison us and hinder our relationship with God.
We live in a fallen world, which means we will face hurt and offense every single day. And often, it’s the people closest to us that hurt us the most. The words, actions, and inactions of others (and ourselves) can wound us to the core. Things like neglect, abuse, violence, betrayal, cruel words, and more can cause bitterness and resentment to take root in our hearts.
Don’t let unforgiveness destroy you
Are you ready to let go of past hurts so you can move on with your life?
Then it’s time to begin letting go of unforgiveness.
Know that learning to forgive is a lifelong process. Just like love, forgiveness is a decision we make each day.
Yes, it’s hard, but don’t be discouraged.
Your fresh start can begin today.
14. You refuse to confide in others
We live in a culture that believes that reaching out for help is a sign of weakness. In fact, you may be withholding forgiveness because you believe it might cause you to appear weak in the eyes of others.
But if you’re reeling from hurt, it may be helpful to share your feelings with a trusted friend—in a non-gossipy way of course. The difference here is that when you gossip, you focus on the actions of the offender instead of focusing on your own feelings and owning them.
Just sharing your feelings can provide relief and perspective. It may free you from the stuck feeling and promote creative thinking to help you move on from the hurt and resentment.
What to do instead: Identify two or three people you could confide in and reach out to one of them today. Don’t think about, don’t second-guess the people you thought of. Just reach out.
13. You exercise poor judgment
If someone’s hurt you in a significant way, you may engage in unhealthy or risky behavior as a form of self-medication. Think of the cheated lover who engages in a string of unhealthy relationships or the humiliated person who goes on a spending spree.
What’s worse is that we justify our actions with a false sense of self-care. While self-care is a hugely important part of letting go of unforgiveness, actions that provide short-term relief but long-term harm are not acts of self-care.
What to do instead: Identify things you can do to engage in proper self-care. Create a list that you can use every time someone harms you in a way that might be difficult to forgive. On this list could be things like, prayer, exercise, meditation, healthy eating, breathing exercises, sleeping, etc.
12. You’re righteous and entitled
Even if your situation is one where there was genuinely no wrong on your part, using this as a reason for not letting go will not sanctify your righteousness. You will only grow more bitter with each passing day.
What to do instead: Challenge your own sense of entitlement. Ask yourself hard questions like, “How may have I contributed to this impasse?” or “How have I caused harm to this person?” Regardless of whether or not you can answer the questions, they will open up a space of compassion for yourself and them from which you can begin to find relief from unforgiveness.
Always remember, others have been wronged by your actions and will struggle to forgive you as well. Keeping this perspective will keep you humble.
Persecution Live 