Category: relationships

5 Triggers for Adults With Childhood Emotional Neglect These common, everyday situations can be painful for the emotionally neglected. Posted May 9, 2023

KEY POINTS

  • Even though childhood emotional neglect can be subtle or even invisible, it leaves its enduring imprint on the child.
  • Many who grew up with emotional neglect are unaware that it can subtly affect them in daily life.
  • Being raised in an emotionally neglectful home makes you vulnerable to being triggered by situations that seem normal and benign to others.

Do you become easily frustrated or annoyed when you’re around your parents?

Do you try to escape situations where strong feelings are present?

Do you avoid conflict at all costs?

Do you rarely ask anyone for help?

The questions above may seem unrelated, but they are all defining qualities of people who grew up with childhood emotional neglect.

Childhood emotional neglect happens when your parents fail to respond enough to your emotional needs as they raise you.

A child who grows up in an environment where their emotions aren’t acknowledged or taken seriously is in quite a bind. Even though emotions are a necessary part of being human, these children learn that their feelings are unwelcome. They end up hiding them, walling them off, to not burden their parents.

This is actually quite a remarkable thing for a child to do. They are adapting to their childhood home to survive. Even so, this survival mechanism ends up backfiring, because they are pushing away a vital life source, something they will desperately need throughout their lifetime to live a fulfilled, rich life: their feelings.

Living your life with a wall standing between your emotions and you blocks your access to your emotional world. You miss out on learning how to identify, name, validate, tolerate, manage, or express your feelings. Without these skills, as an adult, you’re more prone to feeling disconnected from yourself and others. You may feel confused or overwhelmed when emotions rise to the surface and have difficulty identifying what you need.

Many people who grew up with childhood emotional neglect don’t even know it. It’s tricky to spot because it’s something that didn’t happen. You didn’t get the emotional language, understanding, skills, or responsiveness you greatly needed. Things that don’t happen are non-events and difficult to see or remember.

Those who grew up this way are typically left with certain “trigger points.” These are normal situations everyone experiences that can trigger the emotionally neglectful experience you had as a child.

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Mind or Body? Men and Women See It Differently Females see minds and bodies as more distinct than males do. Here’s why. Posted May 13, 2023

KEY POINTS

  • People view the mind as distinct from the body.
  • New research shows that females consider minds and bodies as more distinct than males do.
  • The mind-body divide further correlates with mind-reading ability.
  • The mind-body divide may arise in us innately, rather than from culture alone.

That spring felt dark and heavy. Outside, the light was bright, the air crisp and the tulips were in full bloom. But inside, I was a mess—sad, sluggish, tears rolling down my eyes for no good reason. Nothing was wrong, and yet I just couldn’t stop crying. “Why am I depressed,” I wondered?

A simple blood test ultimately identified the culprit—an underactive thyroid gland. After a couple of weeks on medication, I was totally fine. But the notion that a little nodule in my neck could wreak havoc on my entire mental life—on my feelings, thoughts, and sense of self—was shocking. How can a bodily organ control my mind?

This division between body and mind isn’t just the stuff of philosophy. People naturally think of themselves in these terms—across many cultures. Most of the time, we aren’t even aware of that distinction. And yet it affects countless aspects of reasoning.

When we experience emotional pain, we often wonder whether the cause is “psychological” or “biological,” as if the two were different. Science tells us that they are not—our psychological life and the body are one and the same; my psyche is my brain. This is why an underactive thyroid gland made me sad. But intuitively, this seems weird—an oxymoron. It’s almost like saying that scratching my ear can turn on the light bulb. It is for this reason that people wrongly believe that if a psychological disorder has “biological” causes then it cannot be alleviated by psychotherapy—only medication can help. But if it arises from “psychological” causes, such as childhood trauma, then here, only “talk therapy” can work; medication won’t. Unfortunately, even trained clinicians fall into this mind-body trap. And, to reiterate, science shows that this reasoning is faulty.

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7. Romance

Again, romance that wasn’t necessarily leading to bedroom antics.

Men appreciate the gestures of love.

A $exy love letter tucked into their briefcase before they leave for a business trip.  A post-it note taped to the bathroom mirror, with “UR SO HOT” written on it. A spontaneous gift of his favorite whiskey.  All the small things that spell Romance remind him of what a loving and attentive partner you are.

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6. Pure acceptance

Men told us that they loved that they felt totally accepted by their partners, even during times when they didn’t accept themselves wholly.

Times of unemployment, ill health, bad moods, stress…they loved that even when they weren’t being Superman, their partners always accepted them as the human beings—faults and all—that they were.

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5. Your safe harbor

So many of the men we asked reported that knowing their partner had their back was a very important part of their relationship.

They appreciated the ability to show all their sides to their women:  the strong, the vulnerable, the sad and the joyous.

They valued the sense that their partner was their safe person, their rock, their touchstone during rough times, and of course during happy times, too.

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4. Touch that is non-$exual

Just as you appreciate a good neck massage that doesn’t necessarily lead to $ex, your man does, too.  

So don’t neglect the little peck on the lips as you pass each other in the hallway, or walking hand in hand as you stroll the park.  Men love feeling the warmth of your arm around their waist and are always game for a good back rub.

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3. A room of one’s own

This doesn’t mean a real, physical room where a man can build a man cave, although if you have the space for that, it would be a much-appreciated place for your man to go to when he just needs to chill, play some video games, or regroup.

What men are talking about when they say “something of their own” is really more about moments where they are doing something separate…a hobby, a passion, a sport or learning a new skill.

Good couples know that living in each other’s pockets is not a healthy way to keep the relationship fresh and vibrant.  So allow your man to take a weekend away to fish, kayak, or do whatever floats his boat. Let him train for a marathon, enroll in a woodworking class, or just have a night out with the boys from time to time.

These are not threats to your relationship.

To thecontrary,time apart makes you appreciate each other even more when you come back home to each other.

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2. A sense of connection, both emotional and $exual

No relationship lasts long if it is only based on $ex.  Men value both a great $exual connection and a deep emotional one with their partner.  In fact, the two work in tandem to create the best sort of intimacy a couple can experience.

So, make sure you are paying attention to nurturing the $exual connection by remaining curious, fun, loving and $exy partners in the bedroom.

Keep the $exual dialogue open, and if you sense your lovemaking is becoming routine or even disappearing, don’t hesitate to speak up and ask what’s going on.

Seek counsel with a therapist if need be, but keep that fire going or you risk having your man look elsewhere for some heat.  

Emotionally, you will want to continue to work towards deepening the bond that connects your hearts, by always treating each other with kindness and respect, even in moments of conflict.

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The 7 Things Men Really Want in a Relationship Sylvia Smith By Sylvia Smith, Expert Blogger Updated: 22 Aug, 2018

Think all men really want in a relationship is good sex, a cold beer and time to hang out with their guy pals? Think again. We’d polled a large group of guys from all over the country, all different ages, and backgrounds, and here are the top seven things they really want in a relationship.

1. They want to be admired, looked up to, and noticed

Even that guy who doesn’t seem to have any emotions whatsoever has a need to hear that you think he’s the best thing that ever walked this earth.  He may not voice it, but hearing your words of admiration is important for him.

So be generous with your compliments.

When he has fixed the garbage disposal, tell him you so appreciate having an in-home repairman. When he gets a promotion at work, tell him you are so glad others see how amazingly talented he is.

You don’t even need a special event to look him in the eyes and tell him how lucky you are that he chose you.  Sometimes spontaneous admiration is the best kind.

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6. “Turning toward” and the generous heart.

Remember in the early days of your relationship when just looking at your lover provided a rush of endorphins, when you couldn’t hear enough of their stories, and all your partner’s interests were fascinating to you? We can become habituated to those same tales, and some of us may even feel our eyes roll when we hear the annoyingly familiar worries, complaints, or nostalgic stories we’ve basically head a thousand times.

Working with couples for over 37 years, and being married to my spouse for nearly as long, I know that one of the most important gifts we can give our partners is paying real attention to them. Notice how your partner is feeling, remember what is important to them during their day, and listen to their thoughts and ideas (even if you’ve heard them before or don’t have a natural interest in them).

Generosity is important in every part of a relationship. Giving and accepting affection, doing things for one another to make life easier, forgiving each other, and keeping your partner sexually satisfied all require a generous heart. And for those of us who have a hard time getting out of our own heads, it is a skill that will help us have less stress, be healthier, and live longer.

It might be possible to hardwire your brain to fall and stay in love. Sound crazy? Check this out before you write it off.

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