Month: June 2023

3. Recognize That Emotional Intimacy Will Likely Be A Struggle

Those who survive complex childhood trauma are often caught in a vicious cycle. They long for intimacy, but the very stresses that are a normal part of building a meaningful marital relationship trigger their defenses and their coping mechanisms. They typically end up in one of three modes – fight, flight, or freeze. Sadly, the very intimacy they crave, they sabotage or derail.

When you are married to a survivor of complex childhood trauma, it is key that you learn how to not take their rejection personally. It really is them, not you. Again, this does not mean that you have no weaknesses or areas in need of growth. But even if you are emotionally healthy and safe, trauma can significantly complicate your spouse’s ability to bond with you in deep and meaningful ways. Their fight, flight, or freeze mechanism is so easily triggered that they are in survival mode even when there is no real danger or threat. Unfortunately, not only does this mean that marital intimacy is very elusive, but it means that you likely experience a great deal of emotional rejection and abandonment, even if that is not your spouse’s intention. And your spouse is likely very unaware that he is isolating you.

Note that your spouse may live in an emotionally anorexic state, starved of true connection. This is because many survivors of childhood trauma find some reprieve in aloneness, and even reach points where they are prepared to totally disengage from those who love them most. This is why trauma survivors find it easy to hold on to fantasies. A fantasy is the facade of being in a relationship without having to navigate through genuine connection. This is a lonely and disconnected way to live.

Your spouse’s emotional distance is not because you are unlovable or undesirable. His or her emotional distance is a product of trauma.

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2. Know That You Are Not The Problem

Even when survivors of complex childhood trauma are married to safe, sympathetic, emotionally healthy spouses, they guard themselves and remain hypervigilant toward their spouses. So it is important that you as the spouse remember this: While you might have problems, and while you might not always handle the problems correctly, and while you are most certainly not perfect, you are not the problem.

This knowledge is an important anchor because one of the survival mode mechanisms of trauma survivors is to blame the spouse. You are the closest one to the survivor, and, just based on proximity and the nature of marriage, you will activate the survivor’s triggers. The defensiveness in marriage that survivors can be prone to is what makes it tremendously difficult for them to be objective. The weight of this blame over time can be crushing to the spouse of the trauma survivor. Even avoidant trauma survivors, who by nature have an easy going and non confrontational way about them, can deploy an arsenal of blame when confronted. This is because they so easily feel criticized and threatened.

This dynamic of blame tends to be very confusing for spouses. They begin to wonder what they are doing wrong. They begin to doubt even the sound judgement and wisdom they possess. These spouses need to remember that the trauma brain is continuously scanning the environment for danger. What the non-trauma spouse says or does gets evaluated based on that scan, and their words and actions are misread by the trauma survivor as a personal attack. The trauma brain becomes trapped in a cycle of negative internal dialogue, and the sympathetic spouse is viewed as an enemy and a danger, rather than as an ally and intimate friend. As a result, the non-trauma spouse is treated defensively. What that defensiveness looks like varies from trauma survivor to trauma survivor.

Objectivity is one of your greatest allies when it comes to this issue. Objectivity will allow you to differentiate between when you are at fault and need to take action to right your wrong, and when your spouse is projecting a perceived fault onto you. This will help guard you from pervasive frustration and self doubt. This is good and important self care.

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1. Understand the Nature of Complex Childhood Trauma.

The first anchor is being able to understand the nature of the issue.  If you do not have at least a cursory understanding of trauma, you will likely weary yourself mentally, emotionally, and even physically trying to out fires, establish rhythms, and solve problems. Trauma issues in marriage need more than good communication skills and weekly date nights to solve the problem – though communication skills and date nights are important, too! Trauma issues need, among other things, understanding.

So what should you understand about your spouse and the complex childhood trauma he or she has suffered? For one thing, know that traumatic childhood experiences are far from superficial. Traumatic childhood experiences go way beyond feelings and actually change the structure and function of the brain and nervous system. One of the complications of this is that the survivor’s brain is virtually always in a state of hypervigilance, constantly scanning the environment for threats.  The overactive fight, flight or freeze mode lends itself to the body’s nervous system being easily activated. This is taxing to the mind and body of the survivor.

If you are the spouse of a trauma survivor it is important for you to note that your spouse may not appear to be hypervigilant, but there is tremendous hypervigilance going on internally.  This has profound implications for your marital dynamic, and it explains why gaining emotional and relational traction may seem so difficult. Your spouse, due to the trauma, lives in survival mode. Building lasting marital intimacy in survival mode is quite a feat.

Understanding the nature of complex trauma and its physiological impact on the survivor helps you to put your spouse’s actions and reactions in an appropriate and constructive context. You are then better positioned to engage with him in helpful and meaningful ways.

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Married to a Survivor of Complex Childhood Trauma: Can Your Marriage Survive? 5/10/2018

Complex trauma from childhood is an unseen force that wields tremendous power in many a marriage when it remains untreated. If you are married to a survivor of complex childhood trauma, you likely can relate to the constant pull that goes on beneath the surface of your marriage.

It is like a car that lacks alignment. No matter how much you turn the steering wheel to straighten the car, it keeps veering off the road. Like that vehicle, the struggle to center the marriage is real and seemingly constant. It is a struggle that absolutely complicates the normal stresses and strains which accompany a marital relationship.

It is true that the survival statistics for these kinds of marriages are not encouraging, but that does not mean marital success is not possible.  And while the responsibility is not yours alone, there are some important foundational anchors that can be very meaningful if you want to help yourself, your spouse, and your family survive the tenuous waters.  Here are seven of those foundational anchors.

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Prideful

20. Likes Talking About Their Achievements

Wanting to impress everyone, this kind of person often brags about their triumphs. Whenever they hear someone praising another person for an accomplishment, selfish individuals will automatically divert the conversation toward themselves. They will open up about the same or related achievements, making it sound like they have done better.

21. Is Not Happy for Others’ Success

A selfish person does not like being surpassed by others. They want others to admire them, but they cannot make themselves admire others. That is why it is hard for them to be happy for other people who achieve something—even if the person is their friend.

22. Does Not Admit and Apologize for Mistakes

A prideful, selfish person will never admit they are wrong. Therefore, do not expect them to apologize for causing problems and hurting people. They will always justify their actions because they think everything they do is right.

23. Will Not Accept Defeat

Do not expect a self-centered individual ever to accept defeat. Even in sports, it is hard for them to show sportsmanship. Whenever they get defeated by opponents, they will only accept that with a grain of salt. Instead, they will be going around, spreading a rumor that they have been duped.

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Unreliable

16. Cannot be Counted on When You Need Help

A self-centered person is not interested in helping others unless they can benefit from it. That is why it is hard to rely on them. Even if they are your family or friend, they will not sacrifice time, effort, or resources to help you.

17. Stingy Even When They Have a Lot of Money

Their money only works for them. They want to be rich solely for a comfortable and luxurious lifestyle. Unlike selfless individuals who willingly shell out money to help others in need, selfish people are stingy. They prefer receiving than giving.

18. Never Available When Someone Asks for Their Time

If you need someone to talk to, you cannot count on a selfish person to be available for you. They do not care about your hurts or problems. They will tell you they are busy, only to find out later they have been shopping with friends.

19. Questionable Loyalty

Most selfish people are two-faced. While they treat you nicely when you are together, they will say unpleasant things about you when with people you are in conflict with. They are only loyal to themselves. Instead of choosing to side with someone, they will try to keep both parties in their hands so they can take advantage of them.

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A Prayer to Be Still and Know

Dear God, How majestic is your name in all the earth! You are our mighty fortress, our refuge in times of strife, and our protector no matter what circumstance we find ourselves in. Thank you that as a believer, I can be still and know that you are God! Thank you that you do not leave us in the hands of our enemies; thank you that one day all fighting will stop and all wars will cease at the sound of your voice. That on that glorious day Lord your people will be with you, knowing that you are their God forever and ever. Holy Spirit please give us hope until that day, challenge us to live as your people, and grant us grace and forgiveness for our mistakes and wrongdoings.

 In your worthy name Jesus, by which all this is possible, amen. 

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Digging Deeper into Psalm 46:10 – What Do the Commentaries Say?

Some commentaries differ on whether to interpret verse 10 as God speaking directly to the enemies of the people of God, God speaking to his people, or God speaking to both his enemies and the people of God in different ways. Let’s take a look at a few.

The ESV Study Bible comments:

“Since the address in v. 10, be still, and know, is plural, readers should imagine God speaking these words to the nations, among whom he will eventually be exalted. This is the meaning of the LORD of hosts being with his people (v. 11; cf. Matt. 28:20): he will indeed see to it that the mission of Gen. 12:1–3 is accomplished.”

There is certainly a shift from third-person to first-person, and the ESV points out the grammar of the phrase “be still, and know.” They interpret the phrase as being spoken to the nations.

Zondervan’s Expositor’s Bible Commentary explains verse 10,

“The psalmist goes on to encourage the godly to ‘know’ that the Lord is God. Though it was tempting to ally themselves with foreign powers, to rely on military strength, or to give themselves over to idolatry and pagan ways, the godly must learn to persevere to the end. The exhortation ‘be still’ calls on them to stop doing one thing in favor of something else. What their temptation was may be implied from v. 2: ‘Therefore we will not fear.’ Throughout the history of Israel and Judah, severe national distress brought the temptation to abandon true religion for the ephemeral security of political alliances, military strength, and worldly paganism. Instead of choosing a negative option, the people of God distinguish themselves by the pursuit of godliness: ‘Know that I am God.’ The knowledge of God includes factual knowledge about him, his past acts, and his promises. But in this context, the psalmist calls on them to commit themselves to the Lord and to seek his ‘refuge,’ ‘strength,’ and ‘fortress’ (vv. 1, 7, 11). The life of faith is lived continually in commitment to God’s sovereignty, rule, and ultimate exaltation over all the nations (cf. Hab 2:13–14).” (Bold emphasis added).

Knowing God in this context means acknowledging and committing to the fact that God is the only refuge worth running toward—the only refuge that will stand strong through every circumstance.

Commentators from the Past:

In The Treasury of David commentary, Charles Spurgeon noted verse 10 as:

“Be still, and know that I am God. Hold off your hands, ye enemies! Sit down and wait in patience, ye believers! Acknowledge that Jehovah is God, ye who feel the terrors of his wrath! Adore him, and him only, ye who partake in the protection of his grace. Since none can worthily proclaim his nature, let ‘expressive silence muse his praise.’ The boasts of the ungodly and the timorous forebodings of the saints should certainly be hushed by a sight of what the Lord has done in past ages. I will be exalted among the heathen. They forget God, they worship idols, but Jehovah will yet be honoured by them.” (Bold emphasis added)

The enemies of the people of God and the people of God will see God exalted in all the earth. The people of God should not fear because their God is with them and he will triumph over the world.

That is the most remarkable takeaway from Psalm 46 in my opinion—that God is the defender of his own name, his people, and his Word. He alone is our protector, the sovereign ruler, and the everlasting refuge. His actions are not hindered by our fear and worrying or our distracted minds. God is God alone and he will protect those who believe in his name and trust in him.

Present-day Commentators:

J. Ligon Duncan, Senior Pastor of First Presbyterian Church and professor at Reformed Theological Seminary in Mississippi, wisely summarizes:

“And this is a picture of the aftermath of God’s judgment against His enemies, His war against His enemies. ‘He makes wars to cease to the end of the earth,’ not through negotiation, not through the Department of State, but through obliterating everyone who stands in His ways. God speaks to the opposition. Look at verse 10: ‘Cease striving and know that I am God.’ This is not like God’s word for Moses to the children of Israel at the Red Sea, ‘You stand still and watch what God is going to do to you.’ This is God speaking to His enemies, ‘Silence! I will reign.’ This is God’s announcement of His rule and judgment against them. ‘Knock it off!’ He says. ‘I will reign on earth.’

And the city of God doesn’t make this happen. The people of God don’t make this happen. We’re simply called to trust and to be faithful. God does this. This informs our whole approach to the Christian life. You see, the world thinks that God’s word is so weak. How can God’s word overthrow the world? You just watch it. ‘Be silenced! I will reign.’ God, by His word, accomplishes His victory. All we’re called to do is trust in that word and be faithful in walking in its way. And we stand still, and we, as His people, behold Him bring about the salvation that He has promised. May God enable us in the midst of our own troubles to trust in Him, even as the Psalmist did.” 

How amazing is this reminder! That God’s voice has power over all. God used his voice to create the universe, the earth, and everything in it including us. He uses his voice to accomplish his glory and protect his people victoriously. He will put an end to all wars at the end of the age by using his voice. This is something to be still and stand in awe of.

How often do we think about judgment as good news? Judgment means there will be an end to all the wars and fighting; one day God will end this cursed world with the sound of his voice and the new heaven and earth will begin.

Pastor Steve Moulson, of Church Hill Presbyterian, relays:

“The New American Standard translates ‘Be still’ as ‘cease striving.’  I think the focus of the message in this case is the people of God, since the Psalm begins ‘God is our refuge and strength…’  The goal is to point the Israelites to a knowledge that even though the nations may be powerful, that God is more so.  Even the rage of nations only causes kingdoms to totter, but when God speaks the whole earth just melts! The Israelites are not ultimately responsible for their own protection, God is.”

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