This is what the dictionary has to say:
to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.); to grant pardon to (a person).
to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one’s enemies.
to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.
to pardon an offense or an offender.
I’m sure nobody has to tell you that by now.
Forgiveness doesn’t eliminate the consequences for our bad choices; just like the murderer who repents to God in prison.
He’s still serving His time.
But God’s forgiveness can make a sinner’s heart clean again.
Only He can wash the guilty stain from your heart and restore you to Himself,
and even restore your husband and your marriage– if both are willing.
Yes, adultery is serious and God takes it seriously. He wants to forgive you for it,
if you truly want to stop.
But what about the voice of shame you hear in your head?
How do you forgive yourself after your own affair?
Let’s dive a little deeper into this.
I’m not in any way excusing infidelity- so for those of you reading this who would like to leave a comment accusing me
of blame shifting, or accuse me of making excuses for the unfaithful, I’m certainly not.
God knows my heart so lay your stones down- because the world doesn’t need more pious religious (or not religious) people
who only want to accuse others without examining their own hearts.
I imagine some people may have even thought Jesus was making excuses for her sin, or shifting the blame. Of course He wasn’t.
I am standing behind the love of Jesus. The love that saved a woman’s life that day- and likely saved more than just her life.
I stand behind HIS love for you, and His offer to forgive you, because ultimately that’s what matters most-
His forgiveness for you.
Will that lessen your consequences? No.
You know the voice; it might be your own, or the words of others who know about your affair. I’m sure it’s past the warning light stage of guilt now- it’s moved into the realm of shame where you hate yourself for what you’ve done. Maybe you used to judge people who committed adultery before. I know I probably did. It was easier to remove myself from the possibility of ever falling into this trap myself, by thinking it’s just those ‘bad people’ who do this.
But now you’re named among those, and you don’t know how you can ever live with yourself or how to help your husband heal, because all you see and feel every day is the shame from your sin. Some of you may even be contemplating suicide because of it. That is what shame does.
Friend, I want to ask you- what is continuously punishing yourself or hating yourself doing for you now?
So that settles any question you might have if God can or will forgive you? God forgives ALL sin….to those that truly ask Him and repent. Does that mean she got away with it? Does that mean she didn’t have to pay for her sin? Not quite. I imagine she struggled with the shame of that afternoon for a long time. I’m sure the haters were still there gossiping about her afterwards.
But I Can Also Imagine That The Love And Grace She Felt That Afternoon, From A Man She Didn’t Even Know, Far Surpassed Anything She’d Ever Experienced Before. Jesus did more than just save her life from being stoned to death, He looked past her sin and saved her soul. His forgiveness was enough to silence the hate of pious religious leaders. You can read more about that love of God here.
It made God’s top 10 commandments because He knew the pain and devastation it brings to marriages, and the family unit.
But I’m figuring you already know that.
For a closer look at what God thinks of you, and how to actually go about forgiving yourself,
let’s look at how Jesus dealt with a woman like us.
The woman was dragged out, caught in the very act,
to be presented before Jesus (and the crowd) for stoning.
She was obviously guilty- no one could deny that.
(Hmmm…no mention of the man in this scenario, which was always interesting to me).
The religious leaders were justified in stoning her, the law declared it so, and they were using this to test Jesus- how would he answer?
Could they trap him by speaking against God’s law?
How would he show compassion (as he seemed to be in the habit of doing with outcasts), without breaking God’s own law of punishment?
You likely know the story… he pretty much ignored their murmurings and demands for an answer as he wrote in the sand
(oh how I wish we knew what he wrote- could it have been “lusting after a woman in your heart”,
or maybe “stealing from innocent people”, “greed” “lying” we don’t know).
But then he stands next to the woman and declares “He who is without sin, cast the first stone.”
He knew she was guilty, nobody could deny that- and the woman certainly wasn’t denying it as she stood in complete shame and humiliation,
waiting for her demise.
But interesting enough- they dropped their stones and walked away; the oldest man to the youngest.
It’s more than a warning light on your dashboard-it’s actually ready to blow up your car for being such a terrible car in the first place.
Shame’s primary purpose is to push you down- and keep you there -because of what you’ve done.
I have a few views on this subject that I’d like to share with you if you’d allow me a few minutes.
Look, I know you’re probably here because you did what you never thought yourself capable of doing- you had an affair, committed adultery, were unfaithful…whatever you want to call it.
What matters is the destruction it left in its wake; which came from your own choices. Once someone comes out of the affair fog and gains clarity to truly see the pain they’ve caused, it can be very hard to live with the reality of pain left behind.
Guilt’s gotten a bad rap- but it’s not all bad. So let’s first talk about guilt’s purpose.Guilt is there to warn you that you’ve gone off course and something is seriously wrong… think of it like a warning light on your car; ignore it long enough and your car will eventually break down leaving you stranded. So experiencing guilt, and letting that guide you to be truly sorry for what you’ve done is a good thing. Guilt should move you to true remorse to the point where you want to stop what you were doing wrong.
But some of us take guilt a little too far, and use it way past its expiration date-
staying guilty for something that you’ve already asked forgiveness for, and are trying to make right. But shame…ah shame, that’s different than guilt.
And I’m well acquainted with that one.
When you get triggered in your life now from childhood emotional neglect from the past, you may have little understanding about what you are feeling and why you may fall victim to repeating a dangerous pattern: pushing down your feelings and treating them as unimportant.
To take control over your triggers, it’s crucial to understand your personal childhood emotional neglect experience. Then, go down the path of reconnecting with your feelings and learn how to identify, differentiate, accept, and process them.
Once you take those steps, you’ll still find yourself getting triggered when certain events happen in your life because you are human just like the rest of us! But, with awareness and some emotion skills, you will be the one in control. You will no longer feel confused or ashamed for having responses that don’t make sense to you. Instead, you will find that you make perfect sense.
© Jonice Webb, Ph.D.
Persecution Live 