Month: June 2023

The Father and His Family

Both Old and New Testament reveals that God is a Father. Psalm 89:26 says, “He shall cry to me, ‘You are my Father, my God, and the rock of my salvation.’ “. Psalm 68:5 declares that God is a Father to the fatherless and a defender of widows. God asks where His honour as Father is (Mal. 1:6) in the way His people were treating Him. God reveals Himself as Father in all these passages.

In the New Testament, Jesus Christ gave us a fuller revelation of the Fatherhood of God (John 14:9). He taught His disciples to pray, “Our Father, which is in heaven.” (Matthew 6:9). Paul bows his knees in prayer “to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named.” (Ephesians 3:14,15).

God’s Fatherhood reveals that He is the author and initiator of life, that He is warm, loving, generous, good and strong. God’s intention was that we be in His image, just as Jesus Christ was and is (Gen. 1:27; Col. 1:15). We have seen other aspects of God’s Father heart in lesson 2. Love is the motivation of God’s heart (1 John 4:8).

The Father’s family begins with the Lord Jesus Christ, the eternal Son of God. God the Father loved Jesus before the foundation of the world (John 17:24). Jesus often called God His Father (John 10:29), and yet He says in the next verse, “I and my Father are One.” (John 10:30). Jesus Christ could say this because He Himself is Uncreated. “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. The Word became flesh and dwelt among us.” (John 1:1,14). All things were made through Jesus and for Jesus, including the material universe as well as spiritual beings and authorities (John 1:3; Col. 1:15). The word “first-born” in Col. 1:15 means “pre-eminent”, “heir”, and “first in authority”. It does not mean that Jesus was born at a point in the distant past. We have seen in lesson 2 and even from the verses above that this cannot be – a fundamental doctrine of the Bible is that Jesus is fully God.

John the Baptist testified of Jesus that “this is the Son of God.” (John 1:34). Jesus was declared by God Himself to be the Son of God with power, by the resurrection from the dead. (Rom. 1:4).

God’s intention has always been to have a large family, both in heaven and on earth. The angels are called “sons of God” (Gen. 6:24; Job 1:6). The creation of the first man, Adam, was part of God’s purpose to have sons. Luke 3:38 calls Adam, “the Son of God”. As we will see, Adam lost his sonship relationship to God the Father through wilful rebellion, when he chose to ignore God’s Word in relation to the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. But God’s plan to have true sons on the earth was not totally frustrated at this point. In fact, through the victory of Jesus Christ in His death and resurrection, we can all become sons of God once again through faith in Jesus Christ (Gal 3:26). For this purpose to unfold even creation eagerly waits (Rom. 8:19).

“But as many as received him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name, who were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God.” (John 1:12-13).

We see that becoming a child of God involves a new birth, a definite trust and receiving of Jesus and the power of His name. The greek word for “name” – ‘onema’ also means ‘authority’ and ‘cause’. We must believe in Jesus’ Lordship, His authority and His cause – the salvation of mankind – in order to become children of God. Thus not all men and women are children of God. By nature and natural birth we are “children of wrath” (Ephesians 2:3). Jesus said to the religious Jews of His day, “You are of your father the devil” (John 8:44).

The apostle John in his first letter writes, “Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God! Therefore the world does not know us, because it did not know Him.” (1 John 3:1). There is a difference between the children of God and the people of the world at large.

All people and all things were created for God’s pleasure (Rev. 4:11 KJV). God knew before creation took place who would have an inclination to turn back to Him in love and trust, and so through predestination he made sure that they would be adopted into His family as sons. “For those he foreknew, he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the first-born among many brethren.” (Romans 8:29). Ephesians 1:5 tells us that true Christians are adopted into the family of God.

This family is a family of love, marked by love for the Father and for one another. (John 17:23,24,26; John 13:34,35; 1 John 3:10,11). God loves us and wants us to enjoy eternal life with Him (John 3:16).

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The Plan of God

God’s Plan: A Family of Love

God’s desire from the very beginning was to share his love. Eternally there existed love between the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. God’s desire was to have children – a family with sons and daughters made in His image, who could intimately relate with God in a way that would be satisfying to Him. Children who would be like him, who would love Him from the heart because they wanted to is what the Father God wants. This was God’s purpose in creation – to have a family to whom he could express His love and from whom receive love (Eph. 3:14,15; Eph. 1:2-5).

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When I Needed Jesus Badly

Hi, My name is Trudy and I live with my family in Ontario, Canada. I will try to give you a mental picture of who I am, where I came from and where I am now, spiritually speaking.

My teenage years were very rough, I did hang around with the wrong crowd and I did not know how to get disentangled. My young life had been ruined; I had chosen the broad path.

What to do next, I did not know…Where to turn to…Would death be the answer??

I was living in Holland and in my early twenties when I was in a very desperate situation. I called upon God not really knowing on whom I was calling. I was not a Christian at that time, not even a churchgoer.
Shortly after, I met a young Christian family via an elder of a local church who did not know how he could help me. He thought perhaps if I could find somebody with whom I could have a social time, such as reading or knitting together, it would help me get over my problems. I told him that it would not do me any good, my problems were so obvious you just could not talk them away.

I needed more than a knitting friend, I needed God to help me, I needed a miracle. So, the elder suggested for me to contact this family, who lived just down the road, but he said not to pay too much attention to the man of the house…. He believed in miracles and so forth…. Ooh…Ah…. Ja… That did draw my interest! I thought maybe this miracle believing man has something to offer me? …I will call this man John.

I got all my courage together and paid these people a visit. The very first night John told me about his own life; what all happened to him during the war; that he had betrayed his own people; how God met him when he was working for the enemy, the NSB. He then told me how God had opened his eyes and showed him all his wrongdoing. He then realized he needed forgiveness and turned himself in at the Dutch Government.

John was just beaming while he was telling me about the treasure he had found in Jesus, the happiness and peace of mind, knowing that his sins were forgiven. I had never heard a testimony like this. I also knew that this man was not making up some sort of a story. This was for real and I could sense a deep truth in it. I was all ears and soaked every word in like a sponge. It all did sound like music, beautiful music, what my soul had been thirsting for.

I felt right away, that it was exactly what I needed. I envied him for his faith and he told me if I just would believe in Jesus as my Savior, He would give me faith too. I started to forget my own problems and my attention was drawn to my oldest sister, who had been suffering from some sort of mental disorder shortly after the II World War. For the past 10 years she had been in and out the mental institutions, receiving terrible treatments, such as 24 electric shocks. If you just knew what that meant!

Years later…when I lived in Canada and took training in the Health Care field, I saw a video on how in those earlier days electric shock treatments were applied. The body of the patient was strapped down to the stretcher. Electrical wires were connected to the patient’s body, mainly to the head. Once the electricity was turned on, the body started to shake violently, so much though, that if the body would not be strapped down it may have jumped of the stretcher. Needless to say, how I felt where my dear sister had gone through. I cried… and cried…also, because I remember how she cried. When she had to go for those treatments. She begged my parents: No… No….please, no electric shocks. I have often wondered if she experienced those treatments without anesthetic.

So…I told John all about her and I was wondering why God had not healed her. John replied, “Did anyone pray for her healing or deliverance?” I could not tell, but I knew that sometimes deacons from the church had visited, but as far as I knew the subject of Maria’s sickness was never touched. “How can we expect God to do something if He is not asked and if there is no faith,” John said. “But would God answer such a request?” I asked again. At this point the Bible in John’s hand was opened and he read: Jesus Christ is the same, yesterday, today and forever. Oh…I thought…finally, something concrete, somebody I could depend on” The Same, He is always the Same”. How could Maria receive healing when nobody believed, was my question.

John explained that if I brought her in faith to the Lord, He would heal her. He said: “When Jesus walked on the earth, He healed all who came to Him and the Bible says that ALL things are possible for them that believe. If the Lord would not keep His Word, how could we be sure of our Salvation.

In the mean time I did do some arithmetic: 2+2=4, nobody can change that, so it is with the Scriptures. Jesus is the same, yesterday, today and forever. He healed then, so He heals now. That was as clear as a bell and simple as pie. But how could I bring my sister in prayer to the Lord? I did not have any faith myself. John said that I only had to be willing, that the Lord will give me faith and do the rest. I thought for a while:I have to give my will to Him, then He will bring it to pass. Well, my life was already a mess anyway, so to be a fool again would not hurt. But…. That RISK could mean my sister’s healing. So, I said to John: “If the Lord is going to heal my sister on that condition, then I will follow Him.”

What a wonderful Gospel, I had never heard anything like it! It was 10 O’clock that night when I went to my apartment, which was only a couple of houses down from John’s home. Of course, John went right down on his knees to call upon the Lord, little did I know.

When I came in my apartment, a very special feeling came over me. I experienced a lightness, as if a heavy weight was taken off my shoulders. All of a sudden I felt in my heart, that something had happened. I opened my curtains and looked at the dark sky. I do not know how to explain it, but I said out loud: “Lord, I do not understand where you are, but I know You just healed my sister. Lord, I don’t know it with my understanding, but I feel it in my heart and it is true.”

I was so certain that it had happened, that I wrote a letter to my parents that same night and put it in the postbox at the corner of the street. Now, isn’t this a little bit foolishness????? The next day I became a little worried and I had to find a place to pray at my job. “Lord,” I said, “I wrote in that letter to my parents that Jesus had healed Maria, I don’t care if they call me crazy, but I have used your Name in that letter. You put that certainty of Maria’s healing in my heart, please, now confirm it in Jesus Name”.

Of course, the Lord had healed her, so much so that Maria gained 20 lbs. within two weeks. This was also the doctor’s observation time before they sent her home – what had happened that night when I visited John. My sister who was in a private cell (room) had asked the nurse for a pail of soapy water and a mop, because she did find it quite dirty – and it probably was. The nurse could not believe her ears and asked Maria what she was saying. The request was repeated, and the nurse provided the pail, water and mop.

So, Maria started to wash the floor, while the nurse was looking on. She went down the hall, the stairs etc. etc. with the nurse following. Anyway, my sister did not even realize that she was a patient, she thought she was housekeeping staff. Before she became institutionalized she worked in a nursing home in that capacity.

After two weeks my parents could take her home and of course they brought Maria first to my apartment. My sister responded in a normal fashion, she liked my room and the view from my window. It seemed such a long time since I heard her speak a normal sentence.

I started to cry and so did my parents. My father asked me to tell him exactly how this all came about. I did not know where to start. So… quietly I said to the Lord: “I don’t know what to tell him and how to explain it, because there is no explanation.” I just opened my Bible and there was the answer right in front of me. There were a couple of more questions and the Lord gave me the answers in the same manner. Then my father said: “How do you know all that… have you studied theology?” I replied, “Father don’t ask me, I don’t know.”

This first miracle in my life changed me completely, as you well can understand. I also had a desire to live with my parents again to support my sister. My father was not exactly thinking the way I did. He felt he would like to move out of the city where people knew him so well, because of my previous questionable reputation.

So it took a while before they had found a suitable home in a small village. I needed a job and not too far from our new home was an ammunition depot from the Ministry of Defense. I read in the paper that a secretary was needed… I did apply for that job, but after my medical examination I was turned down, due to the fact that my lungs did not appear too healthy. According to the X-ray I had all dark spots on the tips of my lungs and the doctor thought that I must have suffered from pleurisy at one time. I told him I never had been sick with anything like that, but that I had been a very heavy smoker…whatever…. I did not get the job.

I went to Neeltje Bouw, the lady preacher, and told her how much I needed that job and what the X-ray had shown. I said, “If the Lord can heal a mental sick sister, He could heal my lungs and make them clear.” So, I asked Neeltje to pray for me, but she did not think it was needed. “You show faith by making that statement, so the Lord will do according to your faith,” she replied.

And He did. I reapplied, knowing that not too many would go for a job in an isolated area, where about 120 men and one woman worked as soldiers and civilians. Once more I underwent medical examination, with the same doctor. He asked me, “haven’t I seen you here before?” “Yes,” I smiled, knowing that this time he would see something different on the X-ray.

After a while, with bewilderment in his eyes, he walked up to me and said, “weren’t you recently rejected, wasn’t there something wrong with your lungs?” “Yes, “ I replied, “but something has happened.”
Again he went into the dark room and came back with another X-ray picture on glass, from my first examination. “I don’t understand this at all,” he went on, “the same person and two different X-rays within a couple of weeks?” He looked at me for an explanation. “I know,” I said, “it is hard to explain, but my lungs have been healed by the Lord.” Of course, that was not a good enough explanation for a doctor. “The Lord… who…the Lord?” he replied. This gave me an excellent opportunity to give my personal testimony, and…. I got the job. The doctor was never the same after!!!!!

So, I went to live with my parents in Schalkwijk… had a job and supported my oldest sister, emotionally and spiritually. It was not always easy, but the Lord was good and all things were working together for good, for me who loved Him (Romans 8:28). Sometimes when friends and family came to visit my parents’ house, I had to clear the downstairs of anything that showed my presence. For me, my life had changed and I had accepted Jesus as my Savior, but my parents could not fathom that. I was a little too fanatic for their liking.

Once, someone drove in the driveway and came to visit us unexpectedly, I had to go out the backdoor, waited until the visitors were in the living room, then I had to sneak down the hall and upstairs to my bedroom. My father did not want anyone to know that I was living with them. I often cried and felt unwanted, but I knew the Lord was in charge of my life, He was on my side and working on my behalf.

One evening the minister and an elder from the church came to visit us. They had heard about my sister’s healing. The minister said to me: “So, you think that God is just like a light switch, you push the button and the light goes on?”

“Well,” I replied, “you sing in church Psalm 81 verse 7, ‘Thou called in time of trouble and I delivered thee,’ and verse 10, ‘Open thy mouth wide and I will fill it’. ‘Ask and thou shall receive’. That is what the Scriptures say… not me.”

Then I asked my sister Maria if she would tell the minister what had happened. Maria stood up and said: I cannot explain what happened to me, but I know that Jesus Christ has healed me.

I was sent upstairs, because my father thought I had responded in an inappropriate way to the minister’s remark.

I had met the Savior and nothing was getting between us. The joy of the Lord was far greater than any suffering.

Within a year I met a young Christian man and we married two months later. Irresponsible??… Not knowing each other??… The Lord knew us…and by now we are married for nearly 35 years. God does not make mistakes!!! The Lord gave us four children and we immigrated to Canada in 1966.

This is part of my testimony and I just have touched the tip of the iceberg. God is unlimited and He will manifest Himself in our lives, if we let Him. To Him be the Glory, great things He has done. It is no secret, what GOD can do. What He does for others, He will do for you!!!

I believe, that, while you have been reading my testimony, God’s Spirit is revealing Himself to your heart. Don’t be afraid to lift up your hands towards heaven and cry out to HIM. Surrender your ALL and put ALL your trust in the Father, who sent His Son Jesus Christ to set you free!!! “Who the SON has set free, is free indeed”

Trudy Veerman

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Unwanted – a Testimony of overcoming Rejection

I started my life unwanted, the product of a relationship my mother had between marriages. I took my first beating at 10 months old at the hands of the babysitter my mother had boarded me with. Shortly thereafter my half sister, (who was 2 years older than me), was kidnapped by her father from my grandmother’s house while my mother was out shopping. My grandfather accepted money to help her father and held my grandmother at gun-point so he could take her.

After my mother got over this loss (my sister was never recovered), she remarried, and in the course of time, produced a son and two more daughters to this man. Until I was about nine years old, we were sent (or taken) to church every Sunday and I learned of Christ and His love for me. I accepted the Lord at the ripe old age of seven or eight, but it didn’t take too many years for me to get into the world’s way of doing things.

Much of my childhood has been erased from my memory by a condition that is known as Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I do however remember some of the cruelty suffered at this man’s hands – such as being made to eat in my room because I was told I was not fit to eat with the family; being picked up by the collar and beat against a wall, having my tailbone broken at least three times by being kicked with steel-toed boots; being raised and told that I was stupid ( I have an extremely high IQ);  and being told I was dumb, lazy, unfit, and unwanted.

My mother and he would fight and a continuing theme presented by him was to send me somewhere else. He didn’t want me there. At 11 yrs old he sexually abused me. I quit speaking for a period of time. He was the first of many adult men that sexually abused me and I was so afraid of people in general and men in particular that I was afraid to say “NO!” Compliance had been beaten into me.

I knew what I was being put through was wrong and I tried to go to Social Services to get us all (my brother, sisters and I) out of the house, but we had a “nice” upper-middle-classed family and back then, things like that just didn’t happen in “good” families like ours. It was decided that I was a liar and incorrigible.

At 14 years old, convinced that I was the reason my parents fought so much, and having overheard the many comments made, I started to run away. I would head across country and disappear, but every time I left it only took a few months for someone to figure out I was underage and report me. I would be sent back only to run again the first chance I got.

The first few times I left I would get a job and a small housekeeping room and just try to live quietly and at peace. I kept to myself. After several attempts though, and being on the streets I started to be led by others. At different points I stayed with a motorcycle gang, was approached many times by people who offered to “help” me, make me a “star”, slept in cars that someone had left open, stayed at “crash pads”, and in general learned to survive on the streets. There were so many times that I could have been coerced into hard drugs, prostitution, or even turned up dead that I dread to even think about them now. But God was faithful to me even if I was not faithful to him. No matter what the environment, he kept me safe from the worst of what could have happened.

I even landed in jail at the ripe old age of 14 1/2. When I was picked up (having been talked into helping the guy I was with to steal a car) , I was so afraid of being sent home to my stepfather’s tender mercies that I told them I was 18 and spent the next 3 1/2 months in the Don Jail in Toronto, which at that time it was considered the worst jail in Canada. The Lord provided for my protection even in that environment in the form of a woman who convinced everyone that I was her “old lady” and off limits to everyone else. She never laid a hand on me.

I did suffer a good beating though because the guards showed me some favoritism in the form of chocolate bars and privileges not normally given out and some women formed the opinion that I was telling information to them to get these things. Nothing could have been further from the truth. Due to what I now know was the Lord’s intervention in my life, people just seemed to want to naturally protect me! (My nickname was pixie for a reason *Smile*). When I refused to tell who had done it to me the other prisoners left me alone.

Incidences similar to this happened to me continually throughout my life. Far too many to go into here – not to say I have escaped all things.

I have been raped (several times), robbed, beaten (throughout my life by many different people), held at gun-point, held at knife-point, given up one child and was an unwed mother to another. It was discovered that I have suffered ritual satanic child abuse. I have lived on the streets both alone and with a small child. I have been homeless. I have faced cancer twice. But, through it all, the Lord has kept me safe from the worst of what could have been. He has spared my life.

About three years ago He decided it was time for me to come to a relationship with Him. My second marriage of only a few months had broken up and they had found another growth in my abdomen. The third one. When I walked out of the doctor’s office after being told, I cried out to God and told Him that if it was His will that I die, so be it. A month later, when they did another scan, it was gone! I thanked him with heartfelt thanks, but I could not bring myself to walk into a church. I had drank too much, done too many things I was ashamed of and in a town that was only 1500 people where I had spent most of the past 17 years, I knew I would not be accepted. I knew I was too bad for the Lord to forgive. I was wrong!

On a Sunday morning I got up and could hear someone saying “go to church” (there was a Pentecostal church only a block from where I lived). I, of course, was arguing with the voice I heard. I remember getting showered and putting on good clothes (slacks and blouse) and all the while arguing with this voice inside me and telling it that I was certainly NOT going to go into a church for people to judge me! I got my shoes on and went out the door still arguing.

That Sunday I won (or lost) the argument. I stood at the bottom of the small incline up to the church and listened to them sing, but would go no further. The next Sunday the scenario was repeated, but this time as I faltered again at the bottom of the short hill, I felt hands in the center of my back pushing me! I thought I had lost it for sure! I kept wanting to turn around and run the other way, but I could not. The hands just kept pushing me toward the small church and into the door!!

I sat at the back trying to be as inconspicuous as possible and I started to cry. Not loud enough for anyone to hear me, but the tears were streaming down my face. Then, to my amazement, the preacher stopped all the singing, stood and looked around and said, “The Lord just told me that someone here needs to dedicate their life to Him. I don’t know who it is but I will wait. Please come up and let’s pray together.” 

I knew he was talking to me, but I would not move. The pastor kept encouraging me to come forward with the same words for the next 45 minutes, but I could not bring myself to go forward in front of all those people! The next Sunday I did. For the next several months I could not go into a church without immediately starting to cry. I didn’t know it then but the Lord was healing me. I changed from an extremely angry person, who couldn’t/wouldn’t talk to others without the anger, resentment, and hate showing up to one who could not only talk to others, but would hug and was able to show love to my fellow human beings.

Three months later I was baptized (Easter Sunday) and made a decision to spend the rest of my life serving the Lord. I am imperfect; I fall just as does everyone, but I get up, ask forgiveness yet again, and carry on learning to serve my Lord. He forgave me, he taught me to forgive as he has done, he taught me to love and what it really is. He is teaching me new things every day.

I thank him for His grace to me and I know that his grace is there waiting for you. He does love you. It does not matter what you have done or where you have been, He will forgive you. He will teach you to forgive yourself. He is waiting for you to earnestly ask. He is calling to you as a Father calls for a lost child he is searching for. Call out to Him. Let Him know you are searching for Him too. He will receive you right where you are. Don’t wait. His arms are open to receive you now.

If you need someone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to contact me.
I can be reached at the following name and email address or website:

Rev. Bunnie Klassen,
Director of
On Fire Ministries

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A Story of God’s Mercy

Well I have been raised in church all my life at a pentecostal church. But I was a very rebellious teenager and wanted to do what I wanted to do. I put my parents through the mill. At the age of 16 I met this guy and got married at 17. It was 1996. It was a horrible experience. Before I got married I had a dream about a snake and it was about him. But I didn’t want to think about that. Well, needless to say I got married anyway and it was a living hell. He was on drugs and all his money went to that and mine went to finances. He was raised in church also but didn’t go, he was backslid too.

In 1997 of January we seperated and filed for divorce which was final in August. In July of 97 I lost my best friend to a car accident. After that i really went down hill. I blamed God for her death, she was backslid and was living in sin. The guy she was with was my ex best friend, she got mixed up in the wrong crowd. She used to be the best witness and she knew her Bible, I was always shy and wouldn’t witness but when I met her I started to come forth. But when she died I couldn’t take it. I don’t know if she made it to Heaven or not. Well for the rest of that year I partied and went with a lot of guys. I almost went to jail for vandalism, there was so many times I could have been killed.

In late 98 I got back in church and rededicated my life. In the beginning of 99 I met this wonderful guy at a sing whom he played the guitar for. At the end of the service they had an altar call, but it wasn’t for sinners it was like for getting a touch from God. So I went up there and the leader of the group prayed for me he said, ” Shannon, I don’t know you only by name but I see this book and it opened and the pages are torn and ragged, and then I see a hand and the hand reaches out and throws the book away, then I see a new book and the pages are brand new and only a few are written on.” That was Gods way of saying I’m giving you a brand new start for your life. Well me and that guy are married now, he still plays for that group and are active in our church and have a 2 month old little girl. I never knew how much I could love someone until I had her. And now I realize how my mom felt all those years I rebelled. I thank God that I am alive today b/c I could be in hell today had it not been for his grace and mercy. Sometimes the devil tries to remind me of my past but I’m reminded of the verse in Philippians 3:13 Brethren, I count not myself to be apprehened: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, And reaching forth unto those things which are before. When we fall we need toget back up and start over again you can make it all the way with the Lord.

I hope my testimony helps someone. Love in Christ.

Shannon

Siseyes0906@cs.com

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Healed as a Baby – though not expected to live

I have a story that I really don’t remember, but it certainly has effected me for a long time to come. When I was born, I was almost a month premature. I was only about five pounds, but lost down to barely four. I had quite a few little things that made me sick, but the main problem was that I was born with a hole in my heart. The doctors told my parents that I wouldn’t live over a few weeks, and if I did, I wouldn’t live past seven or eight years old. My parents took me to a few heart doctors and got the same response from all of them. My parents have always been very spiritual, and faithful to GOD. They took me to the little country church, that they are still attending, and done as the bible says. They had everyone that knew how to pray to come and lay hands on me. They took me back to my next appointment, and when the doctor came out he told them that the hole had “grown up”. He may have thought it grew up, but me and my family know what really happened. I slightly surpassed the doctors guesses on how long I would live. I just turned twenty this past year, and I am proud to tell anyone and everyone how I am still alive. It goes to show how powerful God and prayer is, and how He can change things in an instant. I hope you continue to post stories, and I hope that your site is up for a long time to come. Gods love can only get sweeter and stonger. I also hope he will bless you for having such a wonderful site like this.

Sincerely,

Allen Watts

Lomery Allen Watts

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7. Pursue Health

While every marriage has to work through inevitable tensions and stresses, the toxicity that comes with trauma can saturate a marriage with a disastrous cocktail of chronic misunderstandings, alienated individuals, and hopeless hearts. But you can help to turn the tide and be an active participant in God’s redemptive work in your marriage. You can help to bring health and restoration to your family. Here are a few key ways to pursue health in a marriage plagued by complex childhood trauma.

  • Learn your spouse’s story. Be a listening ear whenever your spouse is willing to share his or her story. Listen actively and empathetically. Avoid criticizing. Instead, offer words of compassion and affirmation (affirmation regarding the pain and struggles of their experiences, not affirmation of their poor choices or toxic behavior.)
  • Ask your spouse what he or she wants. Because of impaired attachment, many trauma survivors will not ask for what they want. You can begin to help your spouse develop healthy emotional muscles and build bridges of attachment by inviting him or her to share what he or she needs from you in a given situation or dynamic.
  • Grieve. Being in a marriage affected by trauma means you have sustained many losses. There are things you hoped for relationally and otherwise that your spouse may just not be able to give you. You need to acknowledge and grieve the pain of those losses. One day your spouse may be able to give you those things that your heart rightly longs for.
  • Get help. Simply put, this is a tough road to walk! Getting marriage counseling from an experienced counselor who knows how to recognize and treat trauma is key. That counselor may also be able to encourage your spouse to get the individual therapy he needs so he can begin to truly heal and experience a much richer life.  And reach out for individual counseling yourself, whether it is every week, once a month, or from time to time. Family counseling may also be warranted.
  • Express your needs. Whether or not your spouse is capable of meeting those needs, hearing the needs expressed puts them on his or her radar and can help create an awareness and motivation to pursue healing and growth.
  • Build the family you desire. When you are married to a trauma survivor there is a great deal to navigate. And what you envision for your family might seem like an impossibility. But not every hope and dream has to be a casualty of trauma’s realities. Create the memories and traditions you believe should be a part of your children’s experiences. Instill the values you want them to have. Be consistent with discipline, instruction, and nurture. It will not always be easy. It will not always go according to plan. But build anyhow! It will be worth it!
  • Listen to the Lord. This is listed last, but is certainly not least! Though you may not know all of the ins and outs of your spouse’s trauma journey, God does! He is able to guide you each step of the way, and He is ultimately the only One who can redeem the ravages of trauma. Let Him be your Healer, your Comforter, and your Guide.

There is no doubt about it, being married to a survivor of complex childhood trauma is not easy. But it is possible to anchor yourself in the midst of the tumultuous waters. Your life may feel like it constantly shifts, but you as a person can have a strong, resilient internal fortitude that can foster a measure of stability for your family.

You do not have to journey alone. For additional help, visit us here.

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6. Weather the Storms (in an appropriate manner)

The reality of being married to a survivor of complex childhood trauma is that it will often feel like storms are constantly rolling in to shore. These storms can be costly, exhausting, and overwhelming. They can accost every area of your life in ways that are difficult to quantify.

Because survivors of complex childhood trauma can function with the appearance of normalcy in everyday life, especially if they are very talented, there can be such ambiguity in your experience. On one hand, your life can have  the appearance of, or potential for, what others would call success. On the other hand, you are often simultaneously recovering from a storm, experiencing a storm, and watching new storm clouds gather. It can be a steady, unrelenting cascade. This makes it seemingly impossible to gain stability and traction in your life.

Feelings of discouragement are common here. It is disheartening to feel like your life takes two to ten steps back maritally, relationally, financially, and/or professionally every time you try to take one step forward. Much of what you gain, you perhaps feel like you lose. There is a high cost to living with the effects of unhealed complex trauma. If you have children, it is even more complicated. You are likely doing your best to create as normal a life as possible for them, while being regularly confronted with the reality that you cannot shield them from all of the implications of living a life that is affected by trauma.

If you decide to work toward your marriage surviving, there will be storms to weather. (Please note, if there is abuse, weathering the storms does not mean staying and enduring it. You need to seek professional help and intervention immediately for the safety of yourself and your children.) Weathering the storms will require tenacity, but please understand that it is not your responsibility to “fix” the trauma. Weathering the storms will also likely require the help of a knowledgeable trauma counselor who can help you identify what storms to weather and how to weather them. The journey is not in vain if you walk it constructively and with intentionality.

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5. Connect the Dots

Complex childhood trauma often, though not always, has its roots and origins buried amid the parents, caregivers and/or authority figures of the trauma survivor’s childhood life. As unbelievable as it may seem, some trauma survivors find it very difficult to view those adult figures as having harmed them. Instead, survivors may blame themselves. They may also blame the non-abusive parent. And incredibly, many of them blame their spouses. Some trauma survivors are not even aware of their trauma, even though they live with the effects. Furthermore, it is common for them to not see how the poor and dysfunctional relational examples they may have been exposed to in childhood have distorted the way they perceive and engage in relationships.

While it may be virtually impossible for you to connect the historical dots of trauma in a way that your spouse can see and acknowledge them, being able to connect those dots for the sake of your own awareness is valuable. It will help you to understand and counter your spouse’s negative self talk and misdirected blame. It is important to note that countering his or her self talk and misdirected blame does not mean being combative or argumentative. But it does mean speaking truth to yourself. And it also means being willing to speak the truth to your spouse in a fitting manner when appropriate.

Survivors of complex childhood trauma are very beholden to their dysfunctional childhood blueprints. Your willingness to gently counter the lies and assumptions can shed needed light for them. It can help them to challenge their internal narratives and begin the process of discovering how to free their brains from the trauma imprint. But remember, this is not about strong arming your spouse. You cannot force him or her to connect the dots.

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4. Empathize with His Inner World

If you are married to a survivor of complex childhood trauma, understanding his or her inner world is one of the keys to cultivating a meaningful marriage. I have heard trauma survivors describe their inner worlds as “a constant noise” they live with. The noise has a lot to do with the hyper vigilance we touched on. Sadly, these survivors are used to the noise, and they own it as normal. Because the trauma impacted them at such an early age they do not know anything other than the noise. It is their normal. But this noise profoundly affects how they perceive, interpret, and experience life. The “noise” can also go up in volume depending on if a situation is particularly overwhelming.

Think of it like this. You are walking down the side walk in a neighborhood where snakes have recently been spotted. Everywhere you step you are cautious, and you frequently glance behind you to ensure that nothing is slithering along at your heels. Suddenly, out of the corner of your eye, you think you see something curled up in the grass. At that moment, without any conscious effort on your part, an alarm is fired in your brain and a physiological sequence of events is activated. Hormones are released. Your heart rate speeds up. Your blood flow engages with a new priority, which is to help your arms and legs fight or flee. And your brain quickly determines which one to do, fight or flee. This all happens in a split second. Then you realize it’s a false alarm. What you are seeing is just a garden hose. You breathe a sigh of relief, but now you’ve been spooked. You hasten your steps to get out of that neighborhood. Finally, once you are out of harms way, your heart rate begins to return to normal, your blood flow returns to supporting your vital organs, and you are no longer in fight or flight mode. All is well.

Now, imagine living in that hypervigilant or “spooked” mode constantly. Imagine not being able to find an exit from the neighborhood. That would be an exhausting way to live. But that is how many survivors of childhood trauma live everyday. In childhood they lived with threat and danger. Not only did the trauma convince them that they are perpetually unsafe (there is always a snake at their heels), but it ravaged their neurobiological development.  Now the alarms are constantly going off and there is little reprieve. The ability to regulate thinking, feeling, and physical sensations is profoundly fractured, and the ability to have appropriate and fitting internal responses to adult stresses is severely compromised. Their brains have difficulty properly regulating the flight, fight, or freeze response. As a result, it is difficult for them to fully experience enthusiasm and absorb good experiences, though on the outside they may look like they are living a well adjusted life.

It is not hard to empathize when you understand these inner realities with which childhood trauma survivors live. Meeting your spouse with kindness and compassion is a loving way to respond to their hypervigilance. You may be the first safe family member with whom your spouse has ever lived. This is a tremendous opportunity for you to build toward intimacy.

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