Category: 📀Thought Catalog

Thought Catalog : We don’t have a tucking #doorbell. ( #Laughter )

By January Nelson January Nelson
Updated 2 years ago, November 14, 2024

So a #couple years I moved out of state with a #boyfriend. Was super excited about it but with reason had #anxiety about being so far from #friends and #family. One of the ways my anxiety was coming out was with #nightmares and night terrors. I’d wake up violently sitting up in a cold sweat, #gasping and #whatnot. On one particular night I had woken up the sound of our doorbell ringing. Which at 4 in the morning is fucking nerve wracking. So I shook my boyfriend fully awake and told him I heard the doorbell and to go check it because I was scared. He quickly jumps up. Puts on clothes and grabs a bat. Goes all the way to the front door and opens it. I, scared shitless, am peeking around the corner watching it all go down. I see him step outside and I nervously await the verdict of the situation when I hear him call out to me. “Babe?” And I respond real shaky, “Yes?” He stands in the doorway with a real #frustrated tired look in his eyes and says, “We don’t have a fucking doorbell.”

Thought Catalog : I swear to #God he levitated. ( #Laughter )

By January Nelson January Nelson
Updated 2 years ago, November 14, 2024

I have a #friend who I’ve known since I was very little.

One day, when he was six, I was at his house when he got this #absolutely god-awful stomach pain. I mean, he was #literally writhing in pain.

So, his mom took him to the doctor’s office, where the #doctor took one look and told her to take him to the #ER.

She feared something along the lines of an intestinal rupture.

About half way to the #hospital, my friend suddenly let rip the loudest, most #powerful fart any of us had ever heard.

I swear to God he levitated.

We thought the upholstery in the car seat had ripped.

After a good 30 seconds of intense farting, he looked at his mom and said, “I feel all better now!”
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Thought Catalog : Ow, my $hit!: When I was a kid, I was always excited to learn new #vocabulary. ( #Laughter )

By January Nelson January Nelson
Updated 2 years ago, November 14, 2024

When I was in first grade, my #teacher taught me that “shin” was another word for leg.

Later that day, I was walking with my mom, when I tripped and hit my leg on the ground really hard. I yelled out “OW, MY SHIN” although my mom heard “OW, MY SHIT.”

She started yelling about how that was a bad word and we didn’t say that word, and she was going to wash my mouth out with soap.

I was a crying, bawling mess of a #child, to the point I was doing that weird cry, stutter, hiccup noise.

She paused in berating me and said “Who taught you that word?!”

Of course, I told the truth and said “M-m-my teacher t-t-t-taught me that word!” and she started ranting about how she was going to call the school and get that teacher yelled at.

I tried to explain, “T-te-teacher said that shin meant leg I’m SO SORRY ILL N-N-NE-ne-never say it again.”

My #mom got quiet and realized her mistake. “…What did you say?”

Of course I started crying harder and I said “NO it’s just a test you’re going to wash my mouth out with soap again.”

When I finally calmed down enough to say it again, my mom #apologized and to this day I always say “shin” loudly just to see her face blush.

Thought Catalog : Oh—s3m3n: When I was in high #school, I was pretty quiet around #people who weren’t my #friends. ( #Laughter )

By January Nelson January Nelson
Updated 2 years ago, November 14, 2024

The high school’s wrestling coach also taught geometry, and he was my #teacher. This resulted in a lot of #wrestlers skipping class and barging into our classroom to hang out and not get in trouble. One day, seven #wrestlers come in yelling about new #wrestling uniforms, and how excited they were. When they go over and pull out the #uniforms, the whole class is kind of side eyeing them. Even without what I mention next, the suits look funny. I mean, it’s tight royal blue #Spandex with a #suspender style top. #Absolutely funny already. But the #wrestlers grab the uniforms and rush out of the room to go change in the bathroom, and come back to show them off. Which, is also hysterical because Spandex hides NOTHING; you could see all of their junk.

Anyway, we live in a town called Ocean City. It’s commonly abbreviated as “OC”. On the back of the Spandex uniform, it says Ocean City Men in large letters. Except… they used the #abbreviation. On the back, it says OC MEN. Which isn’t awful, but then I sound it out in my head. OC MEN. Oh—semen. I almost spit out the water I was drinking.

I looked around frantically, trying to find out who I can tell, because I didn’t have any #friends to tell in this class. I turn to the girl next to me, and I had no idea who she was and had never talked to her before. I told her what I found and we both cracked up.

The whole time she saw me as the quiet teacher’s pet who was shy as hell. The first words out of my mouth were “It says oh semen.”

We’ve been best friends for 7 years now.

Thought Catalog : The day my #teacher stole my #headphones. ( #Laughter )

By January Nelson January Nelson
Updated 2 years ago, November 14, 2024

During my sophomore year of high #school, we were doing silent #work and my history teacher said that we could listen to music but if it was too loud he would “break our headphones.” so I’m doing my work quietly with my music on low, and this obnoxious kid sitting next to me had his music really loud. I could hear it over my music but ignored it. My teacher thought it was me. So he comes up to me & ripped my BRAND NEW #Apple headphones, looking ruthless. He suddenly realized it was the guy next to me and he was completely #embarrassed. He came in the next day with a new pair and an apology note taped to them. He couldn’t look me in the eye for the rest of the year.
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