Month: October 2022

TW//alcohol, abuse, sexual assault, feeling both love and hate towards an abuser

I was in love with the person who tried to assault me, and now my feelings are that much more complicated. I don’t mean as a toxic coping mechanism or anything like that, though all that is valid. I mean, I genuinely fell in love with him as a whole human. And I wish I didn’t.

We met when we were young; we almost grew up together. Over time, we started falling in love. Quarantine soon after started, isolating our relationship to an online format. The more I got to know him, the more I experienced what first love felt like. I was so young; I had never experienced love at that point. This relationship was new to me and also wonderful.

Over a year into our relationship, quarantine slowly seemed to be coming to an end. That’s when he started concocting and revealing his plan to be sexual with me when I was blackout drunk. He manipulated me for months, trying to make alcohol seem like nothing. He’d pressure me and make me feel inferior for not having drunk before. I’d bring up how I wasn’t sure about drinking alcohol. He’d always so lovingly calm me down. “Of course, I’d never pressure you into anything. You know that you know me. But-”

Feeling trapped, I continued with his plan. And, I would’ve gone all the way. But, for reasons I can’t remember, I suddenly drew the line. I told him I felt like he was pressuring me to drink. At this point, the idea of him trying to assault me could not be further from my mind. I guess I thought he was obsessed with me drinking because it’d be fun or because he wanted us to do something that’d bring us closer as people. In fact, at this point, I wasn’t even saying I wouldn’t drink with him; there was a high chance I would’ve gotten drunk for him anyways because he had such a hold on me. I was saying the pressure had become too much.

He always treated me like something beautiful, rare, and fragile that he didn’t want to drop and break. We’d gotten into fights before, but he’d always give the most sincere apologies I’d ever seen, even for the minor things. Of course, I expected this again. That’s what he’s been doing for over a year. Instead, he lashed out. He started gaslighting and speaking to me in a way he had never spoken to me before. He didn’t even fight to keep our relationship going when I headed out the door, he was so angry he didn’t care.

I didn’t go out the door because I realized he would assault me. I left the door because, after years of being yelled at, I didn’t want another person I loved to do the same. Back then, it was a split-second decision I made in the moment. Looking back, it was the best decision I have ever made. It’s a decision I don’t know if I’d have the strength to make even now, but it’s a decision I had the power to make back then. And I am indebted to my past self forever for that.

The idea of someone I loved trying to assault me is just too much for my brain to wrap around; to this day, I can’t process it. I know it happened because I have evidence. After all, people around me agreed and saw the blatant signs. But, it’s almost like a math problem that is way too advanced for you to understand. You’re trying hard, but you just can’t. My brain has no trouble wrapping itself around all the beautiful memories. Therefore, those memories are the only thing that I can remember. I’m crying my heart out, begging my ex to return to me, and my friends are baffled. They can’t understand why I would ever miss someone who could do something so
terrible.

People aren’t black and white. Some people can have so much good yet so much bad. And assault doesn’t just happen from a stranger on the street, for so many people- it happens from someone they know. Many people like me deeply cared about their abusers. So, when that relationship ends, they mourn not only the trauma- but the loss of a meaningful relationship. Some days I cry over the most basic, run-of-the-mill high school breakup. I listen to the same breakup songs everyone listens to, and my friends and I scream in a car about how we deserve someone better. Then, some days I am unable to move because of the unbearably heavy weight of experiencing an intense trauma that will follow me for life. Here I miss this boy I will forever remember for the touch of a first high school love, a boy who loved me so much he couldn’t breathe around me. Yet, I also am haunted for life by the boy who went farther than he ever should’ve, in ways I wonder if I’ll ever heal from. I have so much longer to go on my journey, but my first step is sharing it here.

I’m sorry to those whose stories are not a recount of an attempt of an assault but simply a recount of assault. I can only say that it’s not something most people can understand. But, every so often, you will meet someone who will. It was stories on this very website that was one of the things that inspired me to write this. And to the general public. It is valid if you have ever experienced anything similar to this, in whatever way. Whether you consider your experience small or big, there’s also a community hidden underneath. And I hope I’m one of them.

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Although there is no single syndrome that is universally present in adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, there is an extensive body of research that documents adverse short- and long-term effects of such abuse. To appropriately treat and manage survivors of CSA, it is useful to understand that survivors’ symptoms or behavioral symptoms resulting from childhood sexual abuse often represent coping strategies employed in response to abnormal, traumatic events. These coping mechanisms are used for protection during the abuse or later to guard against feelings of overwhelming helplessness and terror. Although some of these coping strategies may eventually lead to health problems, if symptoms are evaluated outside their original context, survivors may be misdiagnosed or mislabeled.

In addition to the psychological distress that may increase the effect of survivors’ symptoms, there is evidence that abuse may result in biophysical changes. For example, one study found that, after controlling for history of psychiatric disturbance, adult survivors had lowered thresholds for pain. It also has been suggested that chronic or traumatic stimulation (especially in the pelvic or abdominal region) heightens sensitivity, resulting in persistent pain such as abdominal and pelvic pain or other bowel symptoms.

Although responses to sexual abuse vary, there is remarkable consistency in mental health symptoms, especially depression and anxiety. These mental health symptoms may be found alone or more often in tandem with physical and behavioral symptoms. More extreme symptoms are associated with abuse onset at an early age, extended or frequent abuse, incest by a parent, or use of force. Responses may be mitigated by such factors as inherent resiliency or supportive responses from individuals who are important to the victim.

Even without therapeutic intervention, some survivors maintain the outward appearance of being unaffected by their abuse. Most, however, experience pervasive and deleterious consequences.

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Recognizing common symptoms of childhood sexual abuse can help parents, caregivers, teachers, social workers, counselors and childcare staff alert the appropriate authorities and take proper steps to protect the welfare and safety of our children. It is far too often that I hear stories of adults, who fail to recognize that something is wrong with their child and attribute concerning changes in their kids behavior to temperament, age or other misguided explanations.

Because of this, I want to take a quick look at 11 common psychiatric symptoms experienced by victims of childhood sexual abuse but please keep in mind that this is not a diagnostic guide or a substitute for professional consultation. I have tried to clump together common symptoms that bring people (both children and adults) to the therapy office due to past history of childhood sexual abuse but this is by no means a comprehensive list and any of those symptoms taken separately may have other etiologies.

Depending on the age, specific nature of the sexual trauma and the temperament and coping skills of each person, the clinical presentation may look differently. If you have experienced any form of childhood trauma, abuse or neglect, you may identity with some of the behaviors and patterns discussed below. In that case, I would highly suggest seeking out some help.

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If you are married to a survivor of complex childhood trauma, understanding his or her inner world is one of the keys to cultivating a meaningful marriage. I have heard trauma survivors describe their inner worlds as “a constant noise” they live with. The noise has a lot to do with the hyper vigilance we touched on. Sadly, these survivors are used to the noise, and they own it as normal. Because the trauma impacted them at such an early age they do not know anything other than the noise. It is their normal. But this noise profoundly affects how they perceive, interpret, and experience life. The “noise” can also go up in volume depending on if a situation is particularly overwhelming.

Think of it like this. You are walking down the side walk in a neighborhood where snakes have recently been spotted. Everywhere you step you are cautious, and you frequently glance behind you to ensure that nothing is slithering along at your heels. Suddenly, out of the corner of your eye, you think you see something curled up in the grass. At that moment, without any conscious effort on your part, an alarm is fired in your brain and a physiological sequence of events is activated. Hormones are released. Your heart rate speeds up. Your blood flow engages with a new priority, which is to help your arms and legs fight or flee. And your brain quickly determines which one to do, fight or flee. This all happens in a split second. Then you realize it’s a false alarm. What you are seeing is just a garden hose. You breathe a sigh of relief, but now you’ve been spooked. You hasten your steps to get out of that neighborhood. Finally, once you are out of harms way, your heart rate begins to return to normal, your blood flow returns to supporting your vital organs, and you are no longer in fight or flight mode. All is well.

Now, imagine living in that hypervigilant or “spooked” mode constantly. Imagine not being able to find an exit from the neighborhood. That would be an exhausting way to live. But that is how many survivors of childhood trauma live everyday. In childhood they lived with threat and danger. Not only did the trauma convince them that they are perpetually unsafe (there is always a snake at their heels), but it ravaged their neurobiological development.  Now the alarms are constantly going off and there is little reprieve. The ability to regulate thinking, feeling, and physical sensations is profoundly fractured, and the ability to have appropriate and fitting internal responses to adult stresses is severely compromised. Their brains have difficulty properly regulating the flight, fight, or freeze response. As a result, it is difficult for them to fully experience enthusiasm and absorb good experiences, though on the outside they may look like they are living a well adjusted life.

It is not hard to empathize when you understand these inner realities with which childhood trauma survivors live. Meeting your spouse with kindness and compassion is a loving way to respond to their hypervigilance. You may be the first safe family member with whom your spouse has ever lived. This is a tremendous opportunity for you to build toward intimacy.

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Those who survive complex childhood trauma are often caught in a vicious cycle. They long for intimacy, but the very stresses that are a normal part of building a meaningful marital relationship trigger their defenses and their coping mechanisms. They typically end up in one of three modes – fight, flight, or freeze. Sadly, the very intimacy they crave, they sabotage or derail.

When you are married to a survivor of complex childhood trauma, it is key that you learn how to not take their rejection personally. It really is them, not you. Again, this does not mean that you have no weaknesses or areas in need of growth. But even if you are emotionally healthy and safe, trauma can significantly complicate your spouse’s ability to bond with you in deep and meaningful ways. Their fight, flight, or freeze mechanism is so easily triggered that they are in survival mode even when there is no real danger or threat. Unfortunately, not only does this mean that marital intimacy is very elusive, but it means that you likely experience a great deal of emotional rejection and abandonment, even if that is not your spouse’s intention. And your spouse is likely very unaware that he is isolating you.

Note that your spouse may live in an emotionally anorexic state, starved of true connection. This is because many survivors of childhood trauma find some reprieve in aloneness, and even reach points where they are prepared to totally disengage from those who love them most. This is why trauma survivors find it easy to hold on to fantasies. A fantasy is the facade of being in a relationship without having to navigate through genuine connection. This is a lonely and disconnected way to live.

Your spouse’s emotional distance is not because you are unlovable or undesirable. His or her emotional distance is a product of trauma.

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Even when survivors of complex childhood trauma are married to safe, sympathetic, emotionally healthy spouses, they guard themselves and remain hypervigilant toward their spouses. So it is important that you as the spouse remember this: While you might have problems, and while you might not always handle the problems correctly, and while you are most certainly not perfect, you are not the problem.

This knowledge is an important anchor because one of the survival mode mechanisms of trauma survivors is to blame the spouse. You are the closest one to the survivor, and, just based on proximity and the nature of marriage, you will activate the survivor’s triggers. The defensiveness in marriage that survivors can be prone to is what makes it tremendously difficult for them to be objective. The weight of this blame over time can be crushing to the spouse of the trauma survivor. Even avoidant trauma survivors, who by nature have an easy going and non confrontational way about them, can deploy an arsenal of blame when confronted. This is because they so easily feel criticized and threatened.

This dynamic of blame tends to be very confusing for spouses. They begin to wonder what they are doing wrong. They begin to doubt even the sound judgement and wisdom they possess. These spouses need to remember that the trauma brain is continuously scanning the environment for danger. What the non-trauma spouse says or does gets evaluated based on that scan, and their words and actions are misread by the trauma survivor as a personal attack. The trauma brain becomes trapped in a cycle of negative internal dialogue, and the sympathetic spouse is viewed as an enemy and a danger, rather than as an ally and intimate friend. As a result, the non-trauma spouse is treated defensively. What that defensiveness looks like varies from trauma survivor to trauma survivor.

Objectivity is one of your greatest allies when it comes to this issue. Objectivity will allow you to differentiate between when you are at fault and need to take action to right your wrong, and when your spouse is projecting a perceived fault onto you. This will help guard you from pervasive frustration and self doubt. This is good and important self care.

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In the last days (ie, during the Tribulation) the persecution of Christians will reach an epidemic level.  There are some early signs of this happening right now today in our world, occurring in fits and starts, but nothing sustained and lasting.  When this begins in earnest it will be like someone poured a tanker full of gas on top of a pile of rocket fuel and threw a match at it.  Again, we are presently in the infant stages of this, but the full scale persecution of Christians as described in this verse won’t come into its own until the Tribulation.  Right now we’re only in the early “Birth Pangs” part of it.

EDIT (2019-11-1): I know this prophecy is still considered as “In Progress”, and will remain so until the 2nd coming of Christ.  However, I don’t think that precludes this from being marked as “fulfilled” as we’ve gone far enough in the fulfillment of this prophecy, in my humble opinion, to classify it as fulfilled.  Not completed, as that comes later.  But rather merely fulfilled.

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Then the program was over but I couldn’t stop laughing, everything was funny to me. I laughed and laughed. I laughed for 3 days! Then on the 4th day, I realized I hadn’t switched in 4 days. This was not the norm, but then again not much was. I then inquired of one of my personalities, “P.T., what’s up? It’s quiet in there!” That was my REVELATION moment, that I knew that I was healed, when the very thought of being anybody but just me was absurd! I couldn’t even relate to it!

What I didn’t realize was that I had been drunk in the Spirit for 4 days, while the Lord was completely healing and restoring me to the person I am today. PRAISE GOD! In the words of that old hymn Nothing but the blood, “What can wash away my sin, nothing but the blood of Jesus. What can make me WHOLE again, nothing but the blood of Jesus.”

Even now there is still debate, as to whether MPD is a dissociative identity disorder as defined by psychiatry or whether it is demonic, as is thought by many churches and believers. Here are my thoughts on that. Whether I was “healed” of a multiple personality disorder brought on by years of abuse or “delivered” like many women in the Bible, (Mary of Magdalene was delivered of 7 demons), either way… ALL THE GLORY TO GOD! God is able to heal me of dissociative identity disorder, do a creative miracle, deliver me of demons or all of the above

It has now been eleven glorious years since my miraculous healing! It has not all been easy, but it has been with the Lord by my side. “In this world you will have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world” John 16:33

On March 24, 2002 I was ordained Reverend by seven pastors in India, all of whom I have personally ministered with. God called me to go to India “alone” in November of 2000 and many souls for Christ is the fruit of that divine call. In March-April 2006 God called me to a 40 day ordained fast and many miraculous things happened during that time. The Lord said “Is this not the fast that I have chosen? to loose the bands of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, and to let the oppressed go free, and that ye break every yoke?” Isaiah 58:6 There was revival in my daughters house, my sister was delivered and a dear friend was saved, healed and delivered, also of DID. Praise God! “Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit says the Lord.” Zach 4:6 Through that time of prayer and fasting the Lord has called and equipped me as an Evangelist with all the gifts necessary to fulfill that call. Now I am stepping out to visit other churches using the gift of Evangelism and all that that entails.

I am also a Gospel singer/songwriter and in 2001 I wrote and recorded a song called Living Water that closely parallels my life. Though I reckon I could be considered a modern day Samaritan, my life is truly rich and full of joy unspeakable. I was a broken vessel, but God has made me a vessel for honor, sanctified and useful for the master; prepared for every good work.” 2nd Timothy 2:21

Now I have the opportunity to visit other churches using the gifting of Evangelism proclaiming the good news of Jesus Christ and His healing power.
I am also a Gospel singer and I have written and recorded a song that closely parallels my life called “Living Water.” Click on the link to go to my music page.

Listen to Pattidawn sing “Living Water”

It is an honor to be used of the Lord to serve wherever he calls. My life is rich and full beyond my dreams and I will forever Praise the Lord in testimony, song and service. Amen!

“Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things-and the things that are not-to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him.” 1 Cor. 1:26-29

Rev. Pat Torok

www.PattiDawn.com

PS If you would like prayer about healing from child abuse, DID, (dissociative identity disorder) formally called MPD (multiple personality disorder) please contact us.

If you would like more information about Restoration Prayer Ministry, please read the articles at Prayer Ministry at CWL , see our application and give us a call.

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By then, I had been hospitalized a dozen times for multiple personality disorder and had tried to take my own life several times. In 1987 I married my husband Ed, who by the grace of God was able to keep me and his sanity!

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