Jesus sets architect free from self-hatred

TESTIMONIES

C is an architect who followed Jesus faithfully for 23 years, serving on mission trips all around the world – from South America to China and Cambodia. Here is her story of how she was finally delivered from a secret life of self-hatred and a habit of self-harm. Praise God!

(See Chinese versions: 简体中文 > 耶稣使建筑师脱离自我憎恨 | 繁體中文 > 耶穌使建築師脫離自我憎恨)


There was always something hindering me from living fully in the joy and freedom I was proclaiming that Jesus gives.

I have diligently sought after God’s plan for me ever since I put my faith in Jesus Christ at age five. I have seen Him move in mighty ways all over the world, in my life and in other’s lives. I’ve been so humbled and in awe at how He has moved me geographically and spiritually to places I would have never imagined – further and further from my hometown, closer and closer to Him.

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See Forgiveness brings us new life.

Today, I pour out all my painful sorrow and bitter judgements about those who disappointed me to You. You are the only One who can reach deep into my soul and heal me. I cry out to You for Your salvation!

Psalm 73:21-26 ESV  When my soul was embittered, when I was pricked in heart, I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast toward you. Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Father, please continue to show me the ways that separate me from You. I desire to be made a clean and pure vessel for the Holy Spirit, so that there are no interferences in my relationship with my Almighty Creator.

Thank you, Father.

In Jesus’ name, amen.”

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See Inner vows must be revoked

Father in heaven, I confess there are some people that I find difficult to like and forgive. Thank you that You call us to love the unlovely, not to like them or agree to what they do. If there is anyone whom I may hate or bear grudges against, please show me who I need to release forgiveness to. Jesus came to die for the forgiveness of my sins so that I can be made pure and holy, worthy of being called Your child. When I don’t forgive others, I mock Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross for me. I don’t want to do that any longer. 

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Matthew 23:8 ESV

But you are not to be called rabbi, for you have one teacher, and you are all brothers.

John 14:6 ESV  Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

I also confess that right now, I don’t know how to trust You, when I have been hurt and let down by people. Inside my heart is a fear that You will let me down too. There are things I have promised myself long ago, which now block your Holy Spirit from touching my heart. Promises such as, “I will not let anyone hurt me”, “I will not rely on anyone”, “I will not trust anyone“, “I’m not good enough,” “ no one will ever love me,“ and (name your own personal inner vows and life rules). Today I cancel these promises I’ve made myself and confess that I cannot help myself, only God can! Today, I invite Jesus Christ into my heart as my Lord and Saviour.

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You Expect Them To Let You Down

Whether your parents didn’t show up to your ballet recital, your partner didn’t pick up the kids when you had to work late, or your coworkers didn’t pull their weight on a project, you’ve learned that people will let you down, especially when you need them the most.

As such, you tend to take on all kinds of responsibilities yourself: you honestly can’t trust anyone else to do so.

This can result in you constantly feeling depleted and exhausted because you’re shouldering far more than your own responsibilities, solely out of fear that things won’t be taken care of unless you do them yourself.

In addition to tiring you out, living with the sense that “if you want something done, you have to do it yourself” can end up with you feeling a startling amount of resentment toward those around you.

You may feel like you’re being forced to be superman/superwoman because no one else will step up and take on these tasks.

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Confessing was not scary, not shameful – just freeing.

One of them subsequently organised a prayer session, where I shared my life story, confessing all the dirt and joys. The two prayer intercessors proceeded to ask more detailed questions about my life events, my family history and where I saw Christ in the midst of the accounts I gave.

Through their questions (prompted by God), my answers and their prayers, it became obvious that there was a long-running generational curse in my family: a spirit of accusation. I sort of always knew this but was never able to piece it together and spear it head-on, until now.

They explained that this generational spiritual stronghold was probably passed down through my grandmother, who was a practising witch back in America.

As a child, my grandmother would pass me gifts and crystals that she said would “protect” me, and even though I knew Jesus was the One who would protect me and didn’t want these gifts, I felt I could not refuse her.

I could suddenly see so clearly how it was Satan’s number one strategy of attack to penetrate my life from a young age. He even used other relationships (men, friends, coaches, colleagues, etc.) to accuse and make me feel like an unlovable, hopeless failure. We prayed for my family and me, proclaiming Christ’s victory over this generational stronghold.

During the prayer, I felt the Presence of God breathing through me and lifting me up in a way I never have before – I felt so connected, light, full, free, joyful, peaceful, complete, and excited! 

I was laughing and crying with joy again. The prophesies and words of encouragement given during our prayer time were additional strong affirmations of what God has already hinted to me. I thought I knew, but now I finally (really) know what it means to desire more of Him and less of me.

I thought I knew scripture but it now seems to pop out with a whole new level of understanding. 

I have been asking Him to teach me more how to pray. My connection with my Saviour in prayer has deepened beyond description. I no longer am constantly battling the inner shouts of accusation and self-hatred. I know the devil will attack again, but I will continue to proclaim my victory because Christ already has the victory!

After 23 years of following Jesus, I finally experienced living freely in the power of Jesus’ death and resurrection – fully, passionately overflowing, unencumbered by strongholds deep beneath the surface.

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I sensed God answering me to surrender not only to Him, but to confess to faithful friends the depth of my battle, past and present.

Perhaps this is the most difficult part about coming to a place of living free in the Spirit’s power: one must first come to a place of complete, vulnerable and transparent surrender.

I thought I was surrendered to Him, but every time I was in fellowship and considered confessing to others, I wouldn’t reveal the deep down struggles because of fear, pride and shame. I convinced myself I did not need community to help me break through – I just wanted it to be between God and me. It seemed so silly to me that I could fall for Satan’s ridiculous lies. So, the battle only continued.

One day, I slowly broke down and prayed for the right time with the right people to open up to.

During a women’s discipleship group, my friend had a vision for me. She saw crumpled pieces of paper in my right hand. 

She told me God wanted me to let them go so He could move forward in showing me His plan. I didn’t tell the group, but I knew the crumpled pieces of paper were all those feelings and acts of self-hatred that I had written down in a journal, torn out and crumpled up. But I was still carrying them around in my heart.

At the following week’s meeting, they prayed for me again. This time the Spirit broke into my heart and I felt His Presence so strongly. I started laughing uncontrollably in pure joy! There is unbelievable joy when Jesus is near! As my friends prayed for me, my laughter gradually turned to tears, and my friend asked me if there was something I wanted to confess so they could help me pray through it. After a long pause, I finally confessed my battle to my sisters, and it was so freeing.

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1 Corinthians 6:19-20 ESV

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

1 Corinthians 6:9-10 NLT  Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people—none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God.

I confess I have been following the ways of the world instead of obeying You. I haven’t been putting time into studying the Bible and relying too much on other people to teach me. Today I turn to Jesus as my only Instructor. Open my heart to studying Your Word for the Way, the Truth and the Life. Please cleanse my heart and mind from ungodly teachings from this world that are not from You. Holy Spirit, please come and teach me instead. I am your child.

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1 Samuel 12:20-22,24 NLT

“Don’t be afraid,” Samuel reassured them. “You have certainly done wrong, but make sure now that you worship the Lord with all your heart, and don’t turn your back on him. Don’t go back to worshiping worthless idols that cannot help or rescue you—they are totally useless! The Lord will not abandon his people, because that would dishonor his great name. For it has pleased the Lord to make you his very own people.  But be sure to fear the Lord and faithfully serve him. Think of all the wonderful things he has done for you. But if you continue to sin, you … will be swept away.”

Where I have paid respect to or eaten food offered to false gods and idols, such as (please name them e.g. Buddha, guan yin, Confucius, yoga kundalini spirit, temple gods, village gods, ancestral graves etc.) and sought another source of power and blessing that is not of the Holy Spirit, such as (please name them e.g. fengshui, lucky charms, lucky names, horoscope, fortune-telling etc.), please forgive me. Where I bowed to statues, paintings, or human beings, I repent. Where I have bowed down to idolatrous images, I confess this too today. 

In the Second Commandment, You have warned us not to bow down to any image on earth. 

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John 10:10 ESV

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

As I quiet my heart and mind to wait on the Holy Spirit, please convict my heart of the things that block me from You.

Where I have cursed You, doubted You, or mocked You, please forgive me. I am sorry for my ignorance of Your highest sovereignty and perfect plans. You have been here since eternity. I am just a human being. What do I know about Your eternal plans? Today, I humble myself before You. Instead of constantly questioning You or asking You to do what I want and to bless my plans, I now fearfully seek to know Your will for me. I need to remember that You are not my servant. I was created to love You and enjoy a deeply fulfilling relationship with You, one that is full of love, hope and peace.

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