How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a 23-year-old woman, very much in love with my husband of six months. He’s a 32-year-old man. I’d say the marriage is a very happy one, and things are going well. We waited until marriage for sexual intimacy, and it’s since become a daily thing. My husband had previously been in relationships, some that were sexual, but this is all my first experience with it. I’m starting to worry something’s wrong with me. I’ve not enjoyed it once, in our entire marriage. My husband is a very sexual man. He’s easily turned on by me, even when I’m not trying, and he’s very happy to have sex a few times a day, when he can. I don’t have any problem with that; in fact, I greatly enjoy knowing I can please him so well, but I never feel anything. He’s tried a few different things, from oral stimulation, to fingering me in different ways, but I’m unable to feel anything except the occasional bit of pain. I also have never been able to become aroused, emotionally or physically, for him. I love to please him, but sex just doesn’t matter to me itself, and neither does seeing him naked, for instance. He’ll prance around the house, in a desperate attempt to get me going, but it does nothing. He asks what worked when I masturbated in the past, but I never did. There was just never any interest, on my part. That really shocked him.
The more I think on it, the more confused I get. I think he has a very handsome face, but that’s where it ends. I’m not attracted to him sexually. I’ve never been attracted to anyone sexually, and I’m only just realizing that. I have no desire to kiss or do anything physically intimate with anyone. It’s not just him. I haven’t exactly explained that to him yet because I’m honestly scared. He’s so sexual, and he’s distressed enough as it is, thinking he can’t please me, but I don’t know if it’s possible. Am I broken somehow? I have absolutely no experience in sexual matters, and I’m so confused. I’ve lived such a sheltered life, I don’t know what to think. I’m scared he’ll regret marrying me, if I tell him he’ll never be able to please me the way I do him. It means so much that he cares, and wants to please me, but I almost wish he didn’t. If he just focused on enjoying himself during sex, it’d be better for the both of us. I love to make him happy, and I’m not sure I’ll ever feel anything anyway.
—Never Hot, a Little Bothered